EP312 #3

Posted under EP312 #3, Story On By Chief

You are David Byrne, a psycho killer. You find yourself reading Story Two. You ask yourself how you got here. Jim Christ appears and explains everything.

"I'm sorry about the first story," he says. "It was just so fucked up."
> You say "The Kool-Aid man one, but now I've met Lizzo and I love her."
"Oh yeah?" Jim asks. "Well that's great! Tell me more!"
You look around. A lady screams. You turn around and are greeted by a wall of fire, which engulfs you. You die.
Jim Christ revives you.
"The second story was better, huh?" he says.
Jim Christ says "Lol."  You ask him about his suicide, but he just says "Later."
Jim Christ pockets some of your silver ware and motions for you to go out the front door. You meet a sheriff's deputy on the way out and hand him a load of Jim's stolen goods. The officer smiles and smiles and smiles and doesn't take any.
"Thanks," he says.
you imitate the officer and smile and smile and smile back at him as you plot his murder.
"Why the fuck are you smiling for?" Jim asks. "You want to kill that guy."
"It's a nice day," you say.
"Yeah, it is," he smiles back.
Inspired by Jim Christ, you tab your silver butterknife and plunge it in the sheriff's neck. Then you pocket the knife.
You drive Jim to his favorite diner and buy him breakfast. He eats it all and then some, but he's happy.
Jim Christ flirts with the waitress by saying: "Could I have some coffee with that?"
"Sure thing," she beams back.
You pay the bill and step outside.
You see Jim Christ railing the waitress by the dumpster while she smokes a cigarette.  You tell Jim to hurry up. "I need to make the 24 hour deadline for my first story," you remind him.
He leaves and you get into your car. Your stomach grumbles.
You pull out a life-sized elephant statue made from used, still sticky bubble gum.  It is your idol for breaking writer's block and it has worked every time.  You are immediately inspired to write a story about: A crazy elephant who dreams of becoming a doctor and then having his heart stolen by a greedy king who sends him to the glue factory.
You decide to call it: "Gum Surgery."
you get the greenlight to produce "Gum Surgery". you start your first day of filming when your leading actor John Malkovich walks up to your car.
"Hey there, killer," he says.
You are ready to direct the first sex scene of the film, you give John Malkovich the following advice:
"You walk into the room in just your underwear; I'll be waiting in the bed."
John Malkovich nods and walks off.
> You scream "Let's make art!  Action!!!"
The production team sets up a blue screen for the leading lady to be sucked into. The leading lady, a beautiful 26 year old British actress who goes by the name of "The Countess," walks up to you.
you start the scene and yell "LINE!" repeatedly as the actress speaks in a monotone voice. This is not working, so you try something else. You lay down on the blue screen and tell her to look at your dick.
She stares at your dick.
The crew looks on.
"Can you make his dick bigger?" she asks in a meek voice.
"We can't get his dick bigger," the director says in a panic.
Three months later you attend the movie premier with your leading lady and three hundred other people. When the movie begins, you already know it's going straight to VHS.
The movie continues as a series of events involving the leading lady and your dick.
You VHS tape becomes a cult classic, but you fall into obscurity until one day a record company signs you to a record deal. One year later, you release your album "Chapel of Cheating."
The first single is called "Down in the Chapel of Cheating."
The moral of the story: Never betray an artist.