EP311 #2

Posted under EP311 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Chumby, the first chimpanzee ever to get a masters degree in biology. Objects of your study are bananas and banana plants. You are approaching the discovery that will revolutionize humans perception of a banana, but the scientific community laughs at your works calling it a "Monkey business". It's time for your final test that will prove every naysayer wrong.

Chumby, you have been chosen by God to do this task! The world is counting on you!

The next day, you wake up with a start.
you prepare your test by injecting bananas with several strange fluids. You then put them into a container and seal it. This way if anything happens to you, they can't contaminate the bananas.
> You head to the university lab where you bump into Gimpy, your academic rival who is an emperor tamberin who mastered in philosophy.
Gimpy was the first primate to graduate with a masters degree in zoology. He invented a formula for a more lethal toxin to use against your tribe, but you found out and stole it from him.
you offer Gimpy one of your fluid filled bananas. Gimpy eats it voraciously and consumes the toxic fluid.
"I feel a lot better now." Gimpy remarks.
Gimpy transforms into half banana half monkey monstrosity and is under your control. He heads off into the jungle to find new test subjects for you.
You name the toxin "Banana Toxin #4".
Jason, a human scientist who puts poison in bananas, because he hates monkeys, arrives and attempts to lure you away from the lab with a banana.  You are insulted.
"I hate humans. They are so... liars. I know this because I read their lips. They called me a monkey." You remark.
"Sorry. I thought you'd like a banana. I only have one test subject today.
" You see the test subject is for monkey crush Ronda.  You are so enraged by this that you give Jason a birthday card that sings Happy birthday that you know he will hate.
He puts the toxin into a banana and hands it to Ronda who eats it unaware.
"Monkey see, monkey do." You say, walking away.
Ronda is killed by the toxin.
This enrages you into starting Chimp plan Alpha.
You head outside and see a human with a special kind of cheese. This is bait for Chimp plan Bravo.
Your revenge is sweet.
> You take Banana toxin #4 and transform into huge monster and begin your revenge to kill all humans.
You realize you aren't going to get anywhere with the human race and head back to the lab to see if you can find any more information on the toxin. You begin to examine it and realize it must have an antidote.
You are up all night doing equations and simulations, you have finally found a cure: human blood.  You decide to sacrifice Jason to the great banana God named "Himself" and prepare to make him into a giant rag doll.
"Waiting for humans, watching them sleep, killing them, eating them... it's all so refreshing."
> You pull out a photo of Rhonda from your wallet and begin to cry.
"He's only doing what he thinks is best for his tribe."
You stare at the picture of Rhonda for hours, thinking about everything.
you fill with sorrow at your lost love and try to bring Rhonda back to life, WITH SCIENCE!
You mix some chemicals and place the unconscious Jason in a machine you made to force you to breathe normal air. If you breathe this toxin filled air too long, the fumes will kill you.
> You transfer Jason's blood into Rhonda corpse mixed with a potent cocktail of Banana toxin, then you pray for her revival.
You spend the next few hours pumping Jason's blood into Rhonda's body and putting a breathing tube down her throat. If you want, you can even put her body on life support if you want.
you realize that Rhonda will live but be braindead, you need some good monkey brains to finish the experiment, you give Rhonda a slice of your own cortex.
"I'm sorry."
You place a long access line into her body and begin pumping in your blood to her.
It works and you wind up marrying yourself.
But you need a honeymoon and the one thing you cannot do is expose your new wife to this toxin, so you take her to the moonshine caves in West Virginia where you become one with nature and she becomes one with you.
Later you come back to your senses and begin a new life in New York City with your wife.
You are all alone with the love of your life.
The moral of the story:
Monkeys are cute, let's kill some humans so we can have some monkey children.