EP310 #3

Posted under EP310 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Dan Aykroyd, host of a fake ghost hunting show. For 10 years you've successfully duped people in believing that ghosts do exist. Until one day, during filming of your show, you've encountered a real ghost. All your bogus weaponry proved to be useless against it. It was too powerful for anything you could have used. The only thing that worked is the knife that's been passed down through your family for generations.
> You look at the knife and see that it is glowing with power.

The blade glows bright red as if it has some sort of energy coursing through it.
you pierce the ghost with your blade.
The knife pierces the faint outline of the ghost. A low hum emitting from the weapon, it begins to vibrate with a force not seen in many years.
The ghost screams silently and disappears.  The hum from the knife ceases.
You hold your arms out, flexing them to see any consequences of the recent display of power. There are none. There will be no newfound superpowers bestowed upon you.
as the ghost clum settles, you are greeted by Tony, a guy who is using a spellbook to bring the ghosts of beautiful women to life. He tells you about the 10 powers you won't get:
 10. Invincible - While the power of invincibility is a fun one to have and watch, it is rare that these spells are beneficial in any way. The power of invincibility can only save you from incoming attacks, but not create any sort of protective barrier around you.
9. Flight - While it's true you could fly with this power, the limits of it are rather underwhelming compared to other powers. You couldn't fly through the air-conditioning vent in your office for example.
8. Telepathy - While this would make a good power to use on your girlfriend who is always bitching at you, the ability to control and command people is a much better power to have.
7. Mind Reading - Why the hell do you think the ghosts in movies usually only wear white? So they can be instantly identified as a psychic.
6. Precognition - Like Mind Reading, the ability to know what someone else is going to do is a very useful one.
5. Illusion Creation - The power effectively creates whatever power the user wants. If the user wants to be incredibly strong, they could become incredibly strong. If they want to be incredibly fast, they could become incredibly fast. If they want to be completely silent, they could become completely silent.
4. Matter Manipulation - Holding the power of Creation in your hands? Why the hell don't you just Create yourself a New Body?
3. Mind Control - The ability to control minds is the embodiment of evil and can be used for many things. Your main use would be to make people do what you want. Kill their friends, betray their allies, lie to their faces... There are very few things that can resist your power, and those that can are incredibly resistant. You could also use this power to make people love you, or even worse, make them hate you.
2. Shape Shifting - The ability to transform into any living being is a pretty handy one. Whether it be into a bird to glide from place to place or into a strong creature to fight off enemies, this power can be useful. However, you can't transform into inanimate objects, only living creatures. You can't transform into yourself. There are also many limitations to this power. You cannot turn into water, you cannot transform yourself into something that doesn't exist, for example. You can't even transform into another ghost.
> You get angry and stab Tony with the powerful dagger.
You grab the knife out of the air and stab it into the chest of the ghost. With a small pained scream, the ghost disappears.
"Whew, glad that's over."
you snap and start thinking everyone is a ghost. Only the dagger can help you now.
You spend the next few hours stabbing ghosts with the knife. The ghosts disappear after you stab them, except for one.
You stab Bill Murray, assuming he was ghost, but he was real.  You see Bill bleeding on the ground as he mutters, "Why did you have to go and do that?"
Everyone else seems pretty miserable as well. You decide to do something nice for once.
"Everyone shut up!
> You pause and then stab yourself to death from shame.
You quietly laugh at your own stupidity.
You realize that you are too ashamed to even attempt to kill yourself. You grab a broom and begin sweeping up the blood and guts from the floor.
you impale yourself on the broom handle.
The suicide attempt is unsuccessful.
You see Bill has used the last of his strength to dial 911.  The police surround your house and run out wield the knife in a threatening manner.
You hear sirens.
"Don't move!
They command as they point their guns at you. You don't move, and this makes them nervous.
"What are you lot doing here?
you rush the cops with your dagger.
One cop goes down in a hail of gunfire, while the rest of them miss. Realizing that you can't win, you drop the knife and raise your hands.
You are approached by an officer and lean in for a kiss. You turn away at the last second and he ends up taking out your eye. This is shortly followed by tasered, beaten, arrested and finally, convicted and sentenced.
The moral of the story: nobody can win against the system.