EP309 #3

Posted under EP309 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas of the famous girl group TLC. For years, your strict "no scrubs" policy has made cleaning difficult for your housekeeper. And now she is becoming too old and frail to perform the tedious dabbing technique she developed to comply with your wishes. You offer to pay for cybernetic limb replacements so she can continue working. She agrees.

The next day you receive a call from her.
> You she is very grateful and tells you the limb replacements are are very good.
She is very grateful and says that if they are as good as she claims then it will be worth the money. You agree and tell her to get back to work.
Your housekeeper, Helga, proceed to put numerous hole in your walls because her new arms are too powerful to dab with.  She also does a horrible job on the demonstration room since the power to the sprinkler system has been shut off. You never bother to return and she finally quits due to illness.
You follow Helga to her home and find Tony, a talented singer who is attracted to you. He lovingly stares at you as you enter Helga's apartment.  You are feeling rather tired after all this, and you wonder if you should extend your search for the perfect cleaning machine.
You purchase a cleaning machine. Helga finds out and is furious.  She claims that she is her housekeeper and not some decoration. You call her bluff and tell her to either accept the payment or go back to her old job. She leaves, emitting one of her famous snorts.
> You sue her for damages in court of law.
One week later, you are called to the courthouse and try on the new shoes that John the Baptist gave you. You wince as you step into the shoe and realize that it is too small.
You get on the witness stand, but your shoes hurt and it makes it look like you're lying.  The shoes you're wearing have a swivel system, so you can never quite tell where your legs are pointing.
> You lean over to the judge and whisper to him about your shoe malfunction.
The judge looks at your odd behavior and calls you out. You explain that you are just having technical difficulty. The judge nods and greets you in the gospel way.
Helga dramatically bursts through the courtroom doors with her infected robot arms and proceeds to start stabbing you in the leg.
You fall to the floor in immense pain. The judge orders a moment of silence for you and your injury. He then tells the court reporter to continue with the trial.
Helga takes a seat at the witness stand and says, "I am a loyal housekeeper of nearly thirty years, and I can tell you that this man is lying. He doesn't have two brain cells to pound into submission.
the Jury goes to deliberate. They come back and announce "we find Helga's attacker to have told the truth. The man has no brain cells.
The court rules in Helga's favor.  She approaches you, and as she does her limbs detach themselves from her body and stand in clear suspension. You realize this is the future and not the past as you stand stunned.
> You ask Helga to forgive you.
Helga extends her hand and you reach out to shake it. As she shakes your hand, you feel a shock of static. You jump back and raise your hands in defense.
You realize the static shock you just gave Helga is making her cybernetic limbs go haywire and attack everyone in the court room. You start running out of the room to escape.
You watch all your closest friends and loved ones get slaughtered by the metal monsters that have taken over Helga's body.
The National Guard is called to quell Helga but they cant stop her rampage. Soon the military arrives and begins bombing the city with everything they have.
As the buildings around you collapse and burn, you realize this is the end. The zombies are everywhere and no one can be trusted.
You manage to survive the bombing and are inspired to writer and perform a new solo album entitled: "I Don't Care If I Die: The Last Recordings Of ZZ Top".
You slowly, alone and away from it all, begin the final song.
Thank you for listening.
The moral of the story:
Don't mess with ZZ Top.