EP308 #2

Posted under EP308 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Granny Edna, a self-proclaimed gnome enthusiast. You have the most extensive collection of garden gnomes in whole Britain. During your daily gnome inspection, you notice that one of your favorite gnomes, Mr. Popperpants is missing. A trail of tiny footprints leads from the porch where Mr. Popperpants stood to a shed in your backyard. You decide to investigate.

The shed looks like it was used as a storage area for some sort of contraption. There are no windows and only two doors on the inside: one leading into the shed itself and another into an adjacent field.
You enter the shed and find that there is nothing but dirt floor with a few boxes stacked up against the wall. The box labeled "Poppet" has been opened and his body lies sprawled out on top of the box.
> You check the body for a pulse.
The gnome's body is cold. An opening in the shed sells leads outside and you can see through it to your garden. There is no sign of anyone.
You exit the shed and survey the area again.
> You see a used fairy condom on the grass and develop a sudden crippling fear of garden gnomes.
As you enter the shed, you see a gnome standing there in front of you.
you screech "Who are you?"
"Where were you?" he asks.
"There was a gnome in my shed. I think he stole one of my garden gnomes..."
"I'm not a gnome," he says.
You don't him, you know this thing talking to you is a gnome.  You slowly inch towards the sledgehammer in your shed.
"I have no name. They call me the gnome."
The gnome hops to the ground and hops onto the ground. He leans against the wall of your shed.
> You say "I'm just an old woman, please do not seduce me.  My bones are very brittle and I haven't been sexuality active in many years."
"I'm not a gnome," he says.
The gnome hops onto the ground and leans against the shed wall. His eyes follow you as you walk around him in a circle.
You lunge at the gnome and clip him with the sledge. He falls into the dirt.
"Do you have any more sharp objects?" he asks.
"She relies on sharp objects,"
> You dress the gnome in a gimp outfit.
You find a gimp costume in the shed and strap it on the gnome. You find rope in the shed as well and bind his hands together with it.
"Let's see what you look like,"
The other gnomes gang up on the gimp gnome in several embarassing sexploits. The gnome struggles against the ropes.
"You're a very popular one! What's your name, dear?"
"I'm not tellin' ya,"
The gnome suddenly stops struggling.
The gnome say his safe word, which is:
"Alright, alright, cease!" you say.
You hear an opening in the arguing and the sound of running.
"Now what?" you ask.
"Follow me,"
You follow the gnome through a series of tunnels dug under your shed.  You arrive at a magical place: a garden, with a table and several chairs.
"Sit," says the gnome, pointing to a chair.
You sit, as the gnome sits on a garden bench across from you.
you pour tea for the gnome and yourself.
"I am here to negotiate a ransom for the gimp gnome," says the gnome.
> You say "State your terms. "
"My terms are simple. Release me, and I will return the gimp gnome unharmed. If you don't have enough money to pay for my release, you may pay me off in food.
you say "I dont have food, but I do have this dirt."
"Is that gold?" the gnome asks excitedly.
The gnome becomes sad.
"I had high hopes for you. You are not worth ransom."
You return home and knit yourself a doily.  You have enough dirt for a while.
Months pass, and you find that your garden is overgrown. You need to get it in before the next planting. So, you go out again.
You see your backyard has been a grotesque sex haven for BDSM gnomes. There are several dozen holes in the ground, with ropes hanging down. You see a small rope hanging down from one of the holes.
You grab it eagerly and begin to climb down the hole.
The moral of the story: Don't climb into gnome holes.