EP306 #2

Posted under EP306 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Vincenzo, a member of an ancient order of Pizzamancers, a secret cult of wizards who practice Pizza magic. You've studied all four schools of Pizzamancy, so it is time for your final test, before you can become the acolyte of the Pizzamancy order.

Your mission: to travel through the land, gathering as many souls as possible in the name of pizza!

The first thing you notice is that this place looks like a regular pizzeria.
> You give the secret hand signal to the worker behind the counter.
"Hey!" you say, waving your hands. "I'm here to get some souls."

The worker turns around and smiles at you. He waves his arms back and forth several times.
You wait around for a few hours until the restaurant closes and the work signals you to come in the back.  As you walk to the back office, you see a secret entrance that leads to a grand underground castle.  Sitting on the throne is King Jareth, the Goblin King and his enchanted breadstick. You bow in respect.
"Vincenzo, my boy. I was beginning to get bored. Would you like something to eat?"
King Jareth rises and his flowing cheese cloak drips on the floor as he walks up to you and lets you nibble from his enchanted breadstick. he says "how may I serve the pizzamancers?"
You think carefully before replying. Finally you decide to be up front.
"Well, sir. I've come here to become a member of your order and serve the kingdom to its fullest capabilities."
You look over and see Jason, a guy who is dressed as Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend in Mean Girls. He's putting butter on his pizza and this enrages you.  You storm over to him and eat his soul, which gives you heart burn. You fall to the floor in pain.
"Why did you do that?" asks the Goblin King, "he was just buttering his pizza."
> You vomit up Jason's soul out of guilt.
You vomit of the soul onto the floor and the Goblin King picks it up and eats it.
The goblin king tasks you with uprooting a group of Calzoners. "Their corruption is spreading. People are losing faith in the pizza. They must be stopped." He then bestows upon you a most holy weapon, a vorpal pizza wedge.
You head to a sports bar in search of your target. You hide behind the counter and wait for people to order food.
You see your targets arrive: The Noid, Papa John, Chuck E Cheese and the Showbiz Pizza Bear.
You charge the bar and plunge your pizza blade into the Noid's chest. The other four Survival of the Fattest pizzas charge you, Papa John swings his fist and you toss your slice at him.
> You burn Papa John's face with hot pizza.
"Ah!" Papa John screams as he begins to set alight. He runs around the barbeque, groping at the flames. He manages to take two steps before he collapses and burns to death.
Chuck E Cheese and Showbiz Pizza Bear tag team you and manage to flank you. They begin kicking and punching you until the tables are turned and they are both beaten to death with the shredded cheese they like to eat.
The last target, the obese Pizza Monster speeds towards you at incredible speeds.
> You trip the Pizza Monster, he falls headfirst into a razor-sharp pizza table.
The Pizza Monster attempts to stop himself, but falls headfirst into dough and tomato sauce. He dies instantly of a combination of multiple cuts and raw meat. His greasy black body sinks into the pizza.
You cook him and bring the pizza back to the underground kingdom and say, "Pizza time!" The king eats a slice and smiles. You nervously eat a little, but the Pizza King stares at you and forces you to finish the whole pizza. "Now you're one of us," he says.
The moral of the story: Don't be a lazy fat-ass. Go out and do stuff. Be a Survival of the Fattest, damn it!