You are famous Hollywood actor Jack Nicholson. You have just purchased a joy buzzer with the intention of getting revenge on everyone that has ever wronged you. The following 10 celebrities are at the top of your revenge list:
1) John Travolta
2) Tom Cruise
3) Brad Pitt (for being gay and not giving you enough money for your car)
4) Ben Affleck (because he is an asshole)
5) Leonardo DiCaprio (for being a fat pig)
6) Matt Damon (for being a loser who doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself)
7) George Clooney (for being a boring celebrity and taking up too much space in your house)
8) Dustin Hoffman (for being a smug prick)
9) David Carradine (because he was so damn weird)
10) Uma Thurman (for breaking your heart when you were 19)
You decide to get even by poisoning the coffee of Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
you dose Tom and Johns coffee with laughing juice. Then you sneak into the Golden Globes and give Julia Roberts a box of chocolates and a note that says "Thanks for the present. Here's another one".
Your revenge plot and hit list appear on TMZ. You receive a call from Jeremy Renner, who is surprised he isn't on your Revenge list. You tell reny you just forgot he was in a movie with Tom and John. He explains that the media has already blamed him for the deaths of both Travolta and Cruise.
> You tell Reny that you will clear his name if he stops making dance music.
You: "Will you stop making dance music already? I think its bad for your career. You should focus more on acting."
Rey: "No way man! This is what I'm good at."
you tell the R man "actually, acting might not be your thing either. Maybe be a dancer."
Rey: "LOL nah, cant dance to save my life.
> You bet Jeremy Renner that you can teach him to dance in time for awards season.
You train the talented, but clueless Reny for three whole months. You make him dance to so many songs that he asks you to turn down the music because his head is killing him.
During your dance training of Jeremy Renner, you quickly dispatch most of the celebrities on your hit list. The only one left is some guy called Ben Affleck who hasn't done anything to you and lives in a different state. You really don't even know why you bothered to train him.
> You and Jeremy Renner plan your revenge against Ben Affleck.
You are all set to take revenge on Ben Affleck. In the back of your mind, you hope that Mariah will have become a reality.
"So how are we going to train this weekend?"
> You show him the new dance number, it's called...
Ben Affleck's Revenge.
"Wow, that's some dance number."
You: "Yeah. Watch and learn Ben."
And you teach your new celebrity Renner the dance routine to Ben's downfall.
You stand next to Mariah Carry as Jeremy Renner kill's Ben Affleck with the deadly dance you taught him live on TV.
The whole world watches in shock and horror as Ben dies a slow and painful death. Renner is treated like a hero for taking out one of the biggest movie stars in the world.
you are annoyed by Jeremys sudden fame and add him to the list.
But you don't get annoyed with Mariah, in fact you start having these feelings that you have wanted to explore. You want to take things further with her...
> You confess your true love for Mariah.
Mariah is stoned when you approach her about this.
You: "Mariah, I have something to tell you."
Mariah: "Oooh, what?"
You: "I love you..."
Mariah: "Shut up, you're overacting."
You: "No I'm serious..."
Mariah: "You do eh?"
You: "Yes. I've been holding this in for years."
Mariah: "Well, I've been holding it in for decades!"
You: "What?"
Mariah: "I love you too.
Just then, Mariah lets out a huge fart. She says, "Also I've been holding it in for about decades."
You: "Oh. Well, I guess it's a good thing you told me then."
Mariah: "I guess."
You and Mariah continue dating.
The moral of the story: Don't train celebrities to dance when they are stoned.
Related