EP305 #2

Posted under EP305 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Jason, a guy who is hanging out with his friends and fans at a restaurant. Everything's going well, until you remember that it's your birthday. Your friends start singing the Happy Birthday song, while a couple of waiters play their guitars. Misa quickly runs away, while you rip Tony's hair off his head and throw it to the ground. Next, you grab Jim and throw him at Cory. You crush the dinner table with your bare hands, rip your shirt in half and scream, "I hate celebrating birthdays!"

It's all very amusing, but you don't feel like laughing anymore. The situation is getting too serious.
Your rage is building. The Breadstick Goblin, Tobias Mongtommery brings you a big basket of birthday breadsticks. You slap the goblin and devour the breadsticks and gain 100 pounds.

The next day, you eat a bunch of cake and then go back to being an angry teenager.

"Why did I not think about this before? Why didn't I do something?"
you have your typical breakfast of bread. You go talk to Mantis, a guy who hangs out with your friends, constantly giving the thumbs up.
> You tell Mantis all about your birthday problems.
"Hey Mantis, I'm having a problem."
"Well, you know how my birthday is coming up, and I don't really have anybody to spend it with? It's not like I have tons of friends."
"Yeah, so? What's the problem?"
"Well I don't know any girls."
Mantis thinks for a second.
Mantis sets you up on a birthday date with a girl who is about your age. The date goes well.
You have fun with her and she's a pretty cool girl.
you are thinking of what to ask her, when Fidget, a physical manifestation of your fears and insecurity's that only you can see, sits next to her and stares directly into your eyes.
"Well, how is it? Do you like him?" Tych asks out loud.
"Shut up! He can hear you." You hiss.
"So... Do you like him?"
Your date tells the waiter it is your birthday and he starts to sing the happy birthday song to you. You realize it is your birthday.
Later that day, you have cake and ice cream with your girl. You start to feel sick, so you give her a quick kiss goodbye and rush to the bathroom.
Before you, she hands you a grocery bag filled with a pile of Shitty Birthday Presents from the Dollar store.  You thank her and open the bag on the toilet to see all of your gifts: a flashlight, a lighter, a keychain, and a pack of playing cards.
You look at the keychain and it says:
I had so much fun, I had to lock the door.
You see Fidget appear in the bathroom stall before you and he says:
If you don't let me out, I'll spread rumors about you and your girlfriend.
Your heart flutters as your cheeks flush.
Your girl comes into the bathroom to hear you yell at Fidget.
"Shut up! I know you're there!"
She screams as she sees Fidget sitting on the back of the toilet.
"Holy shit, that's creepy!"
> You say "Oh good heavens! I'm coming down with a case of the vapers!"
"ugh, it's nothing to worry about."
"You can't just say that! You have to at least tell me what's wrong!"
Tych puts on some creepshow before Zalmora arrives.
Zalmora, your ex girlfriend and interdimensional succubus, materializes in the bathroom stall.
"Happy birthday, dickhole."
She says as she walks away.
You are about to yell at her, when you realize that it's her.
You finishing shitting and offer your date a ride home.
"Oh, you don't have to do that."
"I want to, really. My dad is surprisingly strict and I can't afford a cab this late."
You insist and ride her home in silence.  You walk her to the front door of her house and say, "Thank you, really. I had a blast tonight, and I can't thank you enough."
"No problem, but I hope you realize that this isn't going to happen again."
"You may be cute, and you may be relatively wealthy compared to most guys your age, but I still don't find either one of those things to be enough to keep me around. You're an idiot."
You take a shit on her doorstep.
You wake up the next day with a splitting headache. You notice that your mother isn't home, but after a trip to the bathroom and some water, you feel a little better.
The moral of the story: Don't fucking trust succubi.