EP303 #3

Posted under EP303 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Davidson, a German man. Your friends call you "German D." One day, you are at a toy store, while a guy named Jason is talking to his friends. Jason says, "Everybody loves that German D." You feel flattered.

Later on, you and your friend go to the movies. While watching a movie in the theater, Jason suddenly starts yelling at you. He says, "That German D was not as good as that American C!" Then he turns around and walks away. You don't know what to do; you just sit there silently with your mouth open.
> You when you walk out of the theater, everyone is looking at you.
Everyone is looking at you with disgust. You look around, but you see no one you know. Suddenly, you get an urge to laugh. You laugh loudly until you fall on the floor.
> You are dragged out of the theater.
The police take you into custody. They put you in a detention center, where you are questioned by government agents. You try to tell them that you didn't do it, but they don't listen.
You see that your cellmate is none other than American C.  You introduce yourself and ask why American C was locked up. He says it was all a big misunderstanding, but the guards say it's time to go to court.
The first thing the judge does is tell you to shut up during the trial. You obey.
you plead your case, that everyone loves you. The jury seems moved as they go to deliberate. You are taken back to your cell. An hour later, you hear, "The verdict is...guilty."
> You ask what crime you are accused of.
The judge explains that you are charged with the first-degree murder of Jack Torrance. The state plans to try you as an adult, but you have the option to be tried in a juvenile court.
> You ask to be tried as an adult in juvenile court.
The judge sentences you to the maximum sentence allowed in a juvenile court: twenty-five years in an adult prison. You are taken out of the courtroom in tears.
The years go by...
You are let go after 10 years when it is revealed that the Joker, the one who actually killed Jack Torrance, framed you by speaking in a German accent.  You receive a large settlement for wrongful imprisonment and the you American C on a beach.
You become a stuntman and later the host of a popular reality show.
The reality show is about you going through a week in the life of you.
you wake up to a camera crew taping your every move. You get ready, talk with the crew, and then drive to Los Angeles.
During the ride, you begin to panic. You don't know what you're doing there.
When you get to the studio lot, you perform the following 10 stunts:
1. You drive the car onto a moving elevator.
2. You throw a baseball at a target from across a room.
3. You step into a glass tube filled with water.
4. You jump from a great height.
5. You ride a motorcycle.
6. You shoot a gun.
7. You continue the motorcycle stunt from number 5.
8. You eat a plate of nachos.
9. You continue the motorcycle stunt from number 6.
10. You perform the motorcycle stunt from number 6 again.
you head to the set to perform the big finisher stunt of a hit action movie. The director yells, "Cut!" someone says, "His name is John and he's 15," or something to that effect. The movie star does his thing while you walk off set.
You go to your trailer and see American C waiting for you eating your nachos. You sit down and he says, "Man, I'm hungry."
You laugh, "You want some nachos?
> You don't tell American C that the nachos are stunt nachos.
You grab the plate of nachos and say, "Well no wonder why you're hungry, man."
American C grabs the nachos and greedily eats them.
you ask American C to stop. "Those nachos are made of styrofoam."
He doesn't hear you as he continues to eat the nachos.
"Stop," you say.
He stops and is now annoyed with you. "What?
You rush American C to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.
When he comes back, he's a little thinner and isn't sure of what you had him vaccinated for.
You hit him and yell, "I'm sorry!"
> You say "Do you still love me?"
He says, "Yeah, yeah I still do."
You and American C become inseparable.
One day you're sitting on the toilet in the bathroom. You're reading your Us Weekly when you hear a loud "POW!" You look up to see a large monster standing in the doorway of the bathroom. It's Freddy Kreuger. You back away slowly.
You expunge your bowels like you never have before in your entire life.
Freddy walks into the room and looks at you, walks over and touches your face.
> You wake up to find American C touching your face.
You wake up and find American C touching your face.
"You just had a nightmare," he says. "You won't have anymore nightmares."
you look down to see a knife sticking into your chest. American C says "This is for Jack Torrance" and then pulls the knife out of your chest.
"I'm sorry."
You aren't sure if it's a dream or reality.
The moral of the story: Even in your dreams, never trust a talented American with an accent.