You are "Captain" Lou Albano, a former wrestler, now a struggling actor. You play Mario in the new kids show - Super Mario Super Show. Right now you are preparing to shoot an anti-drug PSA, but the prompt was lost, so you reserve for improvisation.
The script is written by your friend Dan O'Brien, who also plays Luigi in the show. The story concerns a group of kids who discover that they can turn into animals and use their powers to fight crime.
Snuffit, an alien mobster from Venus, tells you, "Swing your arms from side to side!"
You do as he says, and suddenly you are a monkey swinging his arms around. Your friends laugh at you, but Snuffit looks pleased with himself.
You are finishing up your drug PSA when you walk off stage to you 5000 KGs of Cocaine in your trailer. You get several lines ready for your meeting with Tony, the actor who's been hired to play Bowser. He demands that the show be moved to BBC.
You decide to walk through the forest to clear your head. But instead, you fall asleep and the cocaine makes its presence felt.
You wake up still in the forest, but now as a rich person.
> You brag to the woodland animals about how rich you are.
You are so rich that, after throwing a party to celebrate, you offer to give away all your money to the animals. Of course they say yes! So you hand out dollar bills with one of the chimpanzees on them.
one of the squirrels says to you "Stop It. Get some help." They all look miserable, and you realize you never gave any of them jobs.
You feel awful, but the squirrels say they'll be fine. They say they'll start a new business venture... oh dear.
The whole of the human world is run by big business now. No-one will ever have a job again.
> You ask the squirrels to explain their business idea.
"We're going to be currency speculators!" The squirrels laugh at their own idea, but you are enthusiastic.
"That's a great idea!"
The squirrels ask you to get five of your friends to sign up for the business. One of the monkeys grumbles, but agrees.
With your squirrel friends, you find a nice corner of the market to trade in, where the price per ounce is highest.
Your number one customer is Cory, the actor playing Princess Peach. He wears a bucket instead of a crown.
After a few weeks, the squirrels have made your friends a small fortune and you earn enough from selling the occasional ounce to keep the business running.
you get caught selling cocaine and are sentenced to community service. You decide the easiest thing to do would be a drug PSA.
You successfully land a spot on an anti-drug show. The squirrels make the first million, you earn enough from your bit part to keep the business going and... that's it.
> You make millions by visiting schools and talking to kids about not doing drugs.
You open a media empire, with you and your friends as the leading celebrities. You make tons of money off movie plots, video games, TV shows, books, toys, clothes, literally hundreds of things.
Shigeru Miyamoto slaps you with a lawsuit claiming you stole everything from Super Mario. He wins and you have to pay him a settlement, which bankrupts your company, which then goes out of business.
You go bankrupt, lose your house, and are homeless.
you move in with princess peach by the overpass. she gives you a job as a janitor at the Mario factory.
You live a life of mediocrity, working at the factory and slowly recovering from your financial problems.
> You finally get out of debt. You celebrate by buying a pair of Haggar wrinkle-free slacks.
You finally get out of debt and buy a house with your brother. You're not sure what you'll do with it though. You feel you've lost the drive to start something new.
Your brother Luigi offers you a plumber's apprenticeship. You think about it, but decide you'd rather work for your family's plumbing supply company.
You take a job at the supply company and eventually buy it from your family.
you sit down to your 12 inch tv and microwave dinner and watch one of your old drug PSA's. It's the same ball Pelosi was caught have in her purse at one time.
It makes you laugh, because now you're in charge of a huge government agency and you haven't even taken drugs in years.
You and the princess marry and have a daughter, whom you name Cyndi Lauper. Eventually she marries a guy named Long John Silvers and they have a son together.
The moral of the story: Anyone can make money in America.
You're not sure what the moral of your story is.
It's a good thing you're the all-powerful, all-knowing writer.