EP302 #1

Posted under EP302 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Steve, a shop manager shopping at IKEA. Once you retrieved your child's toy, you realize you're lost. As you explore further, you find there is no end to the IKEA - it seems infinite. You look around and see shelves of furniture, tables, cabinets... everything you could want or need in one place.

Then you notice a door with an arrow pointing to it on the wall. It says "Enter."
Graham Mongtommery, the eternal manager of IKEA, notices you are lost and offers you so Swedish meatballs which have an alluring scent. He explains that he has been looking for you since you left your home. He then leads you through a series of rooms until he finds you: A large room filled with bookshelves, where Graham keeps his personal library.
> You realize Graham lives at the library.
"You are Graham Mongtommery, a bookish man who loves to read and goes to the library all the time," your wife says.
> You say "Shut Up! your Not my Fucking wife! I'm married to my Job!"
Graham Mongtommery looks down with shame, and closes his mouth.
Then, you realize it: You are reading your own thoughts.
You laugh aloud, and the sound echoes throughout the room.
Your mind wanders as Jason, a streamer who is extremely angry that IKEA doesn't have butter, has several complaints about how bad this "fake butter" tastes. You realize its wallpaper paste.
You look down and see a table covered in wallpaper paste, which you then realize has accidentally spilled.
Suddenly, you laugh aloud again. This time, the echo reverberates throughout the room.
> You try to walk back to the entrance.
You walk out of the library, down another hall, and find yourself in front of the exit. You walk outside, into the parking lot, and through it.
You get into your Ford Fiesta and drive home. You open the door to your studio apartment to see the inside of IKEA and your manager there. They yell "You're Late!" at the same time, and then look at each other and laugh.
You think they know something you don't and you scream, "Tell me what's going on here, why can't I leave this god forsaken IKEA?!"
You back away from the manager and then run out of your apartment. Graham takes his hand off of his pistol, and you get into your car.
He opens the passenger side door and gets in.
He explains that you can escape this situation by going to a specific place at a specific time. A few minutes after midnight, you will be able to exit the store through the front entrance, past all the police cars and into the parking lot.
You hide in the IKEA daycare ball pit until midnight.  You hide under a crib. You hide in a wardrobe. You hide in a bathroom. You hide behind a stack of carpeted stairs. You hide in a storage closet.
as you emerge from the pit you find yourself at the checkout lane. You can see the exit ahead of you and the flash of police lights.
You are grabbed by the hand and dragged out of the store. You'll never forget how it feels to have that uniformed arm grab you.
You are thrown in a room labeled "HORSE MEAT ROOM".  You see a pile of horse meat and you get to eating it and gain 100 lbs over the next few weeks.
Helena also gets to eat the horse meat, and gains 200 lbs.
When you are finally released, all your possessions are gone.
you are about to finally leave the store when you think there are some things you should grab while you're here. You grab a cart and head deeper into the IKEA, lost forever.
After wandering the halls for what seems like hours, you finally come across a room with a bunch of electronic gadgets and devices. You push the cart full of food in front of you and enter the "Gadgets" room.
Once inside, you turn on your phone and realize there is a text message waiting for you from Graham.
It's a picture of a cake, with the words "You're Dead!"
The moral of the story: you really should check for texts on your phone before you go into the IKEA, because you would have saved yourself a whole lot of trouble.
Good thing Graham told you to open that door.