EP300 #1

Posted under EP300 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Sonny and you have a big problem. Yesterday you accidentally genetically modify your DNA to make your body produce pheromones that make every woman become sexually attracted to you. Shortly after, your doorbell rings and as you open the door your hot blonde next door neighbor jumps you and has a wild time with you. You seem to forget about your accident and the next day you leave your house to get groceries, when suddenly a granny in her early 80s is chasing you with her walker, lust filling her expression. You are scared shitless and run to your car, get inside and start driving away. The only help you can think of now is your old university professor. You call him and as he picks up you say "I'm really fucked up and I need help." He says "Well what do you mean?"

"My neighbor jumped me yesterday and she's still chasing me!" You reply.
Your professor Indiana Jones, tells you he is on a mission steal your Pheromones.  You happily hand them over, but you warn him that it's not all the it's cracked up to be. Your professor is skeptical so you explain how you got the idea from reading an article in a science magazine.
you are interrupted by a phone call from your mother. It's your sister. She's crying hysterically and saying "Mommy, Mommy!"
Your sister is being raised in a nudist colony. She's never seen clothes before.
> You and Indiana Jones head to the nudist colony to rescue your sister.
It's a simple enough plan, if a little risky. You explain the situation to the professor and he cheerily agrees to help you get there by his personal plane.
You hop on the plane and notice an extra passenger, Jeffrey Epstein, who tells you not to worry and ignore him. Epstein is a British nobleman who claims he can help you with your "problem". He is a known "Applied Sexologist"
> You wait until the plane is in the air, then you throw Jeffrey Epstein off.
The plane takes off and you ignore the old man. His "problem" soon becomes clear. He has a fetish for pregnant women and wants to impregnate the women on this flight.
you stand up to object to Epstein, but are stopped by Holden Magroin, an enormous buff nudist, enforcer for Epstein. Magroin pulls out a gun and shoots you in the kneecap, then tells you to get back in your seat before turning his attention to the flight attendant.
Indiana Jones and Magroin begin to fight. Jones wrestles the gun away from Magroin.  After Magroin is subdued, the stewardess asks if you and your friends need help. You look out the window and see your sister has been released.
You are so happy you can't contain yourself.
You land and great your sister who asks you why you are wearing a hazmat suit.
Epstein and Magroin yell at everyone to return to their seats before their plane takes off again, this time for Cuba.
Once everyone is seated, you explain how you got here.
A bunch of snakes are released from the overhead compartment. One bites your hazmat suit, leaking pheremones into the cabin. Your sister smells the pheremones. She begins to shake and cry.
As the snakes swarm the coach, you, your sister and your pet ferret flee to the back of the plane.
you retreat to the cargo hold and look for anything to arm yourself with. You find nothing but snakes, snakes, and more snakes.
You feel the plane shake.  It feels like more than turbulence, and then you see the plane has been boarded by Mecha epstien, the reconstructed remains of Jeffrey Epstein.
Magroin stands in the doorway, blocking your retreat. The snakes swarm him and his screams for help before he is crushed to death.
> You want your pheromones at the snakes to mind control them.
You spray the plane with pheremones, causing everyone but your sister and the snakes to fall unconscious. The snakes are still hungry, and you can only hope they won't kill your pet ferret.
> You say "You and your sister drag Indiana Jones off the plane. The snake hiss at you but let you go. "
You ask your sister where the cockpit is. She points down the jetway.
You run back to the jetway and find a man in a red uniform standing there, blocking your way.
It is Mecha epstien, standing next to the emergency exit, which you kick him out off. You and your sister flee the plane before it crashes.
The parachute opens, and you as you consider your next move.
you watch in horror as flaming snakes fall from the plane as you coast to safety. The plane crashes into the ocean and sinks, killing everyone on board.
The moral of the story: snakes are bad.