You are Jim, an officer of the AIPD, sitting in your car. Unbeknownst to most, you have a dark secret: Every full moon you turn into a pineapple. The next full moon is just an hour away, and to make matters worse you are currently stuck in traffic with no indication of ever moving again.
The traffic jam has been going on for hours now, and it's only getting worse. You can see that it will be at least another half-hour before you get out of this mess.
> You get out of your car and begin running. Shania Twain sees you running and is not impressed.
As you run from the traffic jam, you hear a familiar voice call out to you. "Hey! Hey!" It's Shania Twain.
> You do a cartwheel for Shania for Twain. She is not impressed much.
You complete a cartwheel to impress Shania Twain, but she seems unimpressed.
"Let's go, you!" Shania says, annoyed.
You hop on the back of Shania's bedazzled Harley Davidson motorcycle and drive off. You know that you'll have to make this quick, as the full moon is approaching fast.
You pass the exit to Shania's place and ask, "You missed the exit, where are you taking me?"
"You'll see," Shania says.
Shania drives you around in the backwoods of Tennessee, eventually to an old country house that looks like something out of a fairy tale.
you enter Shania's cabin and her fridge is full of pineapples. you ask "What's with all these pineapples?"
"You need to eat them. They're actually very nutritious," she replies.
You inquire, "So do I peel them or what?"
Shania sighs and says, "Peel them, Jim."
> You begin to transform into a pineapple and say to Shania "Peel this"
You peel a pineaple and start to transform into a pineapple. You yell over the sounds of your transformation "Peel this."
"What?" Shania poses, with her hands on her hips.
You look down before you fully transform and see a bloody note telling you to run. The transformation takes a lot more out of you than you expected and you feel exhausted. You yell down, "I'm peeling this!"
"Fine! Don't peel them!" Shania shouts.
> You bite into a pineapple, and Shania accuses you of being a cannibal.
You bite into the pineaple and a wonderful, sweet taste fills your mouth. The pineaple tastes amazing, better than any other food you can think of. You moan in ecstasy, looking at the pineaple in wonder.
You hear the pineapple scream and spin the pineapple around to see the face of famous Hollywood actor: Russell Crowe. He looks at you in disgust and says, "You're a cannibal! You're going to Hell!"
Real Life Cannibal Shia Lebouf jumps through the window attempting to eat Shania Twain. You see him coming and transform into a ball of flames, blowing him off of the pineapples.
Shania pulls up a chair and sits down, saying, "You need to eat more, Shia."
Shania uncrosses her legs and says to you "You need to eat more, Jim"
You start to eat the pineapples, and begin to transform back into your human form. You hear someone say "You need to eat more" and look down to see a beautiful, naked girl about your age.
You look down and see that you're not eating the pineapples, you're shoving them into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen.
> You say "I saw a show like this in Bangkok once. "
Shania transforms into the girl you saw first, and asks "What do you mean?"
You point to the girl and say "Her. She's a girl."
Shania transforms back into her naked form and looks at you accusingly. "Are you sure?"
You nod and she lets out an impressed whistle.
The moral of the story: Be careful who you go to for advice.