EP297 #2

Posted under EP297 #2, Story On By Chief

You Erfix Herp, a Stormtrooper with chronic diarrhea. Your incontinence is so legendary that you have become known as the "Storm Pooper". Despite your mediocre skills, you are feared throughout the galaxy. You are already having a very shitty day when your commander orders you to look for some rebel droids.

"I'm looking for these droids," you say. "Where are they?"

The storm trooper looks at you and shakes his head. "They're not here, kid."
you head to the cargo bay looking for the rebel droids. The storm trooper follows behind you.
You pass by the guys from the cantina band with a new Jizz single called "Shit on Yoo Rares". It's only reached #16 on the charts, but it has made the band incredibly Wealthy.
You hear some droids beeping in the broom closet. You open the door and three astromech droids start yelling, "Surprise! Star Wars Day is May the 4th, and we are your Droids."
> You startled, you shoot at the droids.
You fire at the three astromech droids, but miss them. The rebel commando, who is standing behind you, shoots all three of the astromeches, blowing their heads off.
The rebel commando walks up to you and rewards you with The Sex Worm. "Thanks", you say.
The rebel commando then says "Here's a used Twizzler" He pops it in his mouth, and continues to walk down the hallway.
> You rebel commando to let you join the rebellion.
"Go fuck yourself", you mutter.
The rebel commando turns to you and says "What did you say?"
He raises his laser rifle, and shoots you in the chest.
Your plasteel armor holds and you throw the twizzler at his head as you run. He catches it, and throws it to the ground. The commando walks after you with a steady pace.
You grab at the air, but he disappears.
> You pull the alarm to notify everyone of the rebel invasion.
You pull the alarm cord, and a loud announcement booms throughout the base. "Rebel Attack! All soldiers to your positions! They come to kill, not to play!"
Suddenly, the lights dim, the room fills with smoke, and a comically oversized door slowly opens to reveal... Thickness!
The large robotic soldier slowly walks forward and stares at you with red eyes.
Thickness motions him to shoot.
> You lay down suppressive diarrhea.
You lay down suppressive fire with your laser rifle, and miss. Your diarrhea comes in waves, but unfortunately the robot doesn't appear to be moving.
"Back to work!" the rebel commando says.
You see Thickness prepare a mighty stream of genocide piss with his hands on his hips. You must brunt the storm with your diarrhea.
You fire a small burst of laser bolts, but miss again. Your diarrhea has reach its peak.
Thickness raises his hands to shoot and shit simultaneously.
You are knocked backwards and look into the sky to see a Fourth Death Star that is the size of half the universe.
A small fleet of Rebel bombers appears out of the fucking blue and bombard the horde.
Thickness is hit by six laser bolts to the eye and killed instantly.
"Ha! Missed me, sunshine!"
> You say "That's no half the universe, that's a space station!"
The space station looms above you, dwarfing your puny vessel. Several solar panels extend from its sides, and three laser turrets adorn the top.
Your commander tells you there is a fatal flaw in the DeathStar 4 executive bathroom. You must go there and defend it against the Rebels.  This will determine the fate of the rebellion.
You burst into tears and ask him if the snowman is coming this year, but he doesn't listen.
You slap the commanders face to get his attention "IS THE SNOWMAN COMING!" You wail.
"Shut the fuck up, we've got work to do!"
You refuse to talk to people for the rest of the mission.
You really have to go and you don't want to shit your spacesuit twice in one day so you use the emergency bathroom on the Death Star 4.0 and accidentally melt the core.
You step back to admire your work and almost get squished by the tractor beam.
"Rebel scum, you are caught! I am the Emperor's Shadow, a powerful Jedi from the planet Casimir."
> You shoot the Jedi with your blaster!
The armored Jedi dodges your shot with uncanny accuracy and bashes your helmet with the flat side of his blade.
> You shit yourself.
You shit yourself so bad you have to crawl inside the ship to avoid the shit raining down from the space station.
> You your shit repels the rebel invasion.
The shit in your body makes the space marines shit themselves when they step on your planet.
They bomb the planet for two weeks straight, turning the surface to molten rock.
All life is wiped out.
The moral of the story: Shit really works.