EP294 #1

Posted under EP294 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Shawn, a guy who hears something moving around his house on Christmas night. You go into your living room and see a chubby guy with a beard in a red suit taking packages out of his sack. You think that he's an intruder, so you start beating him up. You punch him to the ground and remove his pants. You look at the pants for some identification. You find his birth certificate which says Chris Kringle.

The next day, you receive a letter from Chris.
> You say "who sends a letter in 2021? have you heard of WhatsApp or Email or Instagram or Twitter?"
"Who sends a letter in 2021? Have you heard of WhatsApp or Email or Instagram or Twitter?"

Chris replies: "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not even using email."
You are frustrated how slow snail mail is and pay Chris Kringle a personal visit at his home. You knock on the door and ask him if you can look around. Chris opens the door and lets you in.
> You give Chris his pants back.
You give Chris his pants back.
He starts wearing them... and then a text message appears from the pants, it reads: "You are the worst secret santa ever, you gave me my pants back."
you ask Chris what he got you for Secret Santa.
"I got you the holy grail," says Chris.
"Wow, where is it?" you say.
"I drank some of the holy grail."
"That's blasphemous!" you exclaim.
"Well then fuck you, you're not getting any of the holy grail that's left," says Chris.
> You angrily take the pants back!
You angrily take the pants back!
You start to cry and walk home. You see a police car coming towards you. The police officer rolls down his window and asks you what's wrong.
> You say "Chris Kringle is a dickbag"
"Chris Kringle is a dickbag,"
You go home and try to get over what happened. You turn on the T.V and flip through the channels when you come across a news report.
"A man has been arrested for hiding illegal immigrants in his home. After investigation, it was found out that the man's name is Chris Kringle and he helped 9 immigrants get across the border."
> You visit Chris Kringle in jail.
You visit Chris Kringle in jail. He gives you the rest of the holy grail after he is released from prison.
you ask Chris how long his sentence is.
"I get out in two years," says Chris.
"That's pretty short," you say.
"I know, I fucking ratted on myself," says Chris.
"Why did you do that?"
"I told you, I was trying to impress you," says Chris.
you lean against the glass for a kiss.
"Can you do me a favor?" says Chris.
"What's that?"
"Can we stop talking about this, it's embarrassing," says Chris.
You try to suck the Holy Grail water out of his mouth.
The next day you are heading to work and you get a call from Chris. The first thing he says is "I'm not sending you a Christmas card."
You arrive at work and your friends are all talking about the news.
"Did you hear that Chris Kringle helped immigrants cross the border?" says Steve.
"I heard he helped more than nine,"
Your friend organizes a protest at the prison to break out Chris Kringle.
You go to the prison and break him out. The whole prison is on fire and all the guards are dead. You manage to find Chris Kringle and give him his pants back.
Next to Chris, you see Jack Frost, who has taken Chris Kringle's Job as head of The Santa Claus Present Delivery company.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" says Jack frost.
"I'm saving Chris Kringle," you say.
You manage to get out of the prison.
Jack Frost refuses to give Chris Kringle his job back. 
You and Chris become homeless drunks. You send a letter to santa asking him for help but you never get a reply.
You die of alcohol poisoning and end up in hell.
The moral of the story: Don't be homeless, and don't be a dick.