You are Sloppy Silverstone, a warrior who is known for being a sloppy goofball. You want to prove you can be serious, so you buy the finest armor you can find. However, you accidentally get fry sauce on your armor. Your fellow warriors laugh at you.
"What? That was a nice touch!" one of them says.
"Yeah, but I thought it would look better with some fried chicken…" another adds.
> You fight them out of pride.
You don't care if they think you're an idiot; you'll show them all that you're not! You charge into battle and start throwing knives at the group.
Bjorn Beerbelly, the Chief's son, is struck by all of your throwing knives. The rest of the fighters are surprised to see the usually clumsy Sloppy Silverstone so accurate.
"Holy shit, he's actually that good!" one of them says.
Bjorn Beerbelly pulls the knives out of his armor and asks you to join his warrior squad. You gladly accept.
> You are given your first mission from the Chief.
The Chief has been waiting for you. He has a mission for you, a very important one.
"You have proven yourself to be an asset to this village, and you are now an official member of the warriors."
The chief point to the mountains and says, "I need you to satisfy my wife. Oh also she is being held captive by a dragon."
"I'm sorry, what? What the hell does that have to do with me?"
"She wants a hero to save her, and I want her to shut up.
> You the Chief gives you a magical ring with this completely useless and silly power:.
You are given a magical ring that allows you to phase through solid objects.
"It's a very handy tool to have. Just try it on the next mountain over."
You walk through the mountain and arrive at the dragon's lair.
"Who dares disturb my eternal rest?" the dragon asks, waking up.
You attempt to run, but the dragon eats you alive.
You use the ring while sliding down the dragons throat to phase out of the dragon. you triumphantly state "Nothing phases me."
You are then digested by the dragon.
You phase out of the dragons stomach and sneak the Chief's wife to safety.
The Chief, having just seen his wife return, and having no idea where you are, assumes she is cheating on him. In a fit of rage he takes his sword and beheads his wife.
> You explain what really happened, and the chief says, "Whoopsie."
You explain what happened, but the chief says it doesn't matter as he killed her anyway.
"Whoopsie," he says with a shrug.
> You spill mustard on his shirt and say "She said she really loved you"
You come up with a brilliant plan. You took the Chief's favorite shirt and spilled mustard all over it.
The Chief hold a feast for your victory and wears his favorite shirt. The rest of the warriors mock the Chief for his mustard-covered shirt.
"What's wrong, need someone to help with the buttons?" they ask.
The chief cries and runs away.
The chief cries and runs away.
You become Chief of the village, a position you hold for a few years until an accident with the teleportation ring forces you to become a teacher.
you arrive to class on your first day and tell all of your students to "SHUT UP!"
You establish yourself as a "no bullshit" kinda guy.
You continue teaching for the next 40 years until you die of a heart attack during a student protest.
The students were protesting the rising cost of textbooks
The students use your body as a battering ram to force open the university Barnes and Noble so they can get the books for free.
The moral of the story: Textbooks cost too much damn money.