EP290 #1

Posted under EP290 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Flebble Picker, a 26 year old Twitch streamer. You have just gained one of the worst superpowers ever; you can breathe near paper and rocks will spawn. The rocks spawn inside the people surrounding you. If no people are near you/you are alone, then the paper becomes pizza and the rocks become soda cans. 

The only problem is that your powers are limited to a certain area. You can't control other people or anything else in this small area, but you can control the rocks and paper around you.
You grab the nearby phone book and breathe on it to transform it into 3,000 pizzas. Then you breath on the rocks to turn them into soda cans. Finally, you breathe on the pizza boxes to make them all explode in a giant explosion!
Your neighbors call the police who surround your home.  You hold your breath and try to give yourself in peacefully. Police struggle to get you out of your home, but they manage to pull you out by your legs. You are arrested and placed into a paddy wagon.
> You are recruited into the League of Lesser Heroes.

You are recruited by the police into the League of Lesser Heroes. Your duty is to eat pizza, which you do all day.
You write down a list of things to do today to fulfill your duties:
Eat pizza
Check, you're doing it right now.
Play on phone
You play a game where you tap on the screen to make an alien jump from platform to platform. You die many times, but you manage to beat the game.

Eat some more pizza
You eat the last slice of pizza and feel sick. You run into the bathroom and throw up the pizza into the toilet.
> You are given a commendation at work for eating bad pizza.

You do a great job at eating the bad pizza. Your boss gives you a commendation and you feel very proud. Later, you are given another commendation for getting 100,000 followers on your Twitch account.
The next you are given a new partner to work with you and his name is Tony, who is a guy who is angry that Jeremy Renner is dating his ex-girlfriend.
"I'm gonna wreck that motherfucker." He says to you.
"How?" You say, scared for your life.
"By exposing his horrible acting in the Avengers movies!"
Tony shows you his plan for destroying Jeremy Renners career and you exhale exasperated.
A week later, you and him have gotten so close that he invites you to his home. He has to pick something up there.
Tony runs into his house and brings out: A GUN! It's heavy and dangerous looking. Your heart starts beating faster and you shit yourself a little.
"NO!" You scream.
"Yes." He says in a deep, manly voice.
You beg and plea for him to stop as Tony confidently strolls to Jeremy Renners house, which is just down the street.
You wait patiently and after 15 minutes he comes back. You ask him how it went and he replies:
"I killed that motherfucker."
Suddenly, you hear police sirens.
> You tony hands you his gun, tips his cap to you, then scampers off into the night.
You take the gun and stare at it.
You've never handled a real gun before. It feels good. Heavy but good.
The police cars arrive and see you stroking the gun. You are scared and confused. What does this mean?
The cops get out of their cars and yell "Drop the gun!" You think about the recent events that have happened and realize you've gone insane.
You start to breath heavy and then notice all the phonebooks around you.  You are crushed by 3000 pizzas that fill the room and your lungs.
The police take no chances and gun you down when you don't drop the weapon.
The moral of the story: Only eat one underpaid and overworked pizza delivery driver per month.
You have reached the "Gun Crazy" ending.