EP289 #3

Posted under EP289 #3, Story On By Chief

You wake up at home and feel a sharp pain in your back, but you are not dead. You look down and see that you have been stabbed in the chest by a dagger.
You call for an ambulance. The paramedics arrive quickly and take you to the hospital where they put you on life support. They tell you that if it is possible, they will try to save your heart.
> You say "I hurt my back, you idiots!"
The doctors are extremely confused by your words, but still manage to help you survive your ordeal.
you wake up in a hospital bed and a doctor tells you the procedure was a success, but they had to replace your heart with the heart of a:
"Follow your blood," the Old Man whispers, "rise from the ash and save your brothers. As it has been for generations before you, this is your fate."
> You are confused, but a nurse explain you have just been quested.
The nurse gives you a mirror. You see the fresh, open wound in your chest and realize what has happened.
You have been chosen by fate to save mankind from itself.
The nurse says You don't have insurance, so they replace your heart with a hand-cranked mechanical heart. You have to crank your heart every fifteen minutes. If you don't, you will die in a matter of hours.
The heart pumps out a fluid that enters your blood stream and makes you have to piss constantly.
Time passes...
The nurse returns and you lean in for a kiss while she changes your bed pan.
You're just a regular guy now. Mankind is doomed.
> You ask the nurse to accompany on your quest to save mankind.
She agrees so you leave for your quest to save man-kind.
After a long and treacherous journey you reach the castle of the Old Man.
you cross the drawbridge and enter a large topiary maze on the castle grounds.
It's cherry blossom season, so the Old Man has replaced all the topiary's weapons with beautiful, white flowers.
You are attacked by vicious topiary, but your nurse is there to defend you.
> You while the nurse defends you, you take a bathroom break.
You sneak into the castle.
The Old Man has prepared his own topiary army to defend his inner sanctum. They attack you, but with your new mechanical pump, you are faster than ever.
You see a trail of blood on the ground and you decide to follow it.
You enter the Old Man's inner sanctum. He is an ancient man covered in thick calloused skin. He stares at you with rheumy eyes and gives you a toothless grin.
You rapidly turn your crank and level up to gain the following crank powers:
Heart of Steel: You don't have a heart.
MOVEMENT: You can now crank in slow motion.
The Old Man raises his hands and lightning strikes your mechanical heart, throwing you across the room.
The Old Man asks you "Have you heard the tragedy of Dark Plague Ass the Weird?"
Dark Plague Ass the Weird was the drummer of Inexplicable Blood Drool, they say that one day the rest of the band woke up and he'd been replaced by a drum machine, nobody had seen him since.
You slow crank your heart and the world slows down.  You run to attack the old man with a torrent of piss.
You turn your crank and dive behind a curtain. You turn the crank and throw open the curtains to reveal... an empty stage!
You've been tricked!
> You scream "Nooooooooo!"
You quickly turn your crank and dive out of a hole in the castle wall.
You land on an inner tube floating down a lazy river.
You drift into a cave filled with ancient pre-civilization drawings.
The Old Man stands behind and tells you, "Join me, and together we shall destroy all the drum machines."
The Old Man transforms into an army of drum machines and plays a terrible song.
You cannot resist the awful music. You surrender your soul to become just another drum machine in his evil army.
The nurse finds you unconscious in a storage room and starts to crank you.
You wake up and see self in mirror. You are transformed into a drum machine.
> You play a sad drum beat.
You have completed the cycle of the world. May the next person play a happier tune.
The moral of the story: Don't follow the beat of a different drum.