EP289 #2

Posted under EP289 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Sally Coolrunnings, a nine year old girl with a last name unrelated to the story. Today is your birthday! You are excited to receive a bunch of wonderful gifts, especially the Easy Bake Oven you asked your grandmother to get you. However, as you unwrap her present you are devastated to see she has gotten you a Queasy Bake Oven instead. She must have purchased it by mistake due to her failing eyesight! Not wanting to upset your dear old granny, you force a smile and tell her you love it. Overjoyed, she asks you to bake a cake for the whole family. You nod and agree through gritted teeth.

Sally's father comes home from work in the morning and finds you gone. He goes out looking for you, but no sign of you can be found.
You are hiding in the basement with your Gingerbread man stuffed toy who is your friend. You hear him crying: "Where is my little sister? Where is my daddy?" Your friend says that he doesn't know where you went, but that you will come back one day.
You get to work and make a totally awful but unsuspicious looking cake that you spike with Ipecac, so everyone who eats it will projectile vomit for an hour straight. You leave the cake out and go back to your hidey hole.
You hear your mom and dad coming downstairs and anxiously ask them to cut the cake.
> You say "your parents cut the cake and hand out pieces to every family member. Mom says "It looks delicious sweety" as she digs in."
"It looks delicious sweety". This is your mom talking. You aren't sure what to do.
> You watch your family vomit.
You watch your entire family vomit. All the while granny is yelling: "Where's that little bastard who made this?" Still, you don't come out of your hidey hole.
> You tell Gingerbread man you are scared.
"I'm scared gramps." You say to your gingerbread man toy.
The door to the basement opens, and a tall man with a twisted mustache appears.
"What's this? What is this?" He says, "A gingerbread man toy? I'll be having that!"
You look up and see the wicked man is Dick Dastardly.  Gramps comes to life in his hands and fights his way out of be taken.
"No, no, no!" You yell.
Dastardly grabs your gingerbread man and snaps him in half. He then spies the trapdoor and heads for it. You chase after him.
You drop down the trapdoor and lock it before Dastardly can get you.  You hear him yell "Bah!" then a thud. You wander through the basement and find that you are in his house.
The wicked dog is nowhere to be found, so you wander around.
You see a pile of bear traps and lay them out for Dastardly and his stupid mutt to step on.
You see a gun that shoots if you wind it.
Suddenly, Dastardly enters the room and yells "Sally! Look what I've found!". You panic and run for the gun.
> You run for the gun but the wicked dog stands in your way.
The stupid dog blocks your way to the gun. You try to go around him and trip on a bear trap. The dog snarls and bites your neck before you can get up.
The dog steps on the bear trap and it traps his testicles between sharp metal teeth. He screams for a bit in pain before dying.
> You say "No one will ever find your body. "
You say "No one will ever find your body" and go back to sleep.
You wake up to the cheers of Dick Dastardly who is holding the tour trophy over his head.
you congratulate Dick on his victory and offer him a piece of cake.
He takes a bite, winces, and says "This cake tastes like shit."
You smile and reply "Yeah, I know how it is."
The moral of story: Everything that comes back from the dead goes back to normal.