EP288 #2

Posted under EP288 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Duke Nukem, a testosterone driven killing machine.
You have heard of strange alien creatures in this part of town, and decided to wipe them out - Like good old times.
You have a high caliber Ripper machine-gun and a can of beer, but are confident to find some serious firepower somewhere in the streets anyway.

You step out of your truck, ready to chew some ass and kick bubblegum. 
You've run out of bubblegum, and see the first alien: A little unicorn. It looks like it's wearing a dress made of green leaves. You're not sure what color the unicorn is, but you know that its eyes are red...
> You tell the unicorn "I've got Balls of Steel!"
"I've got balls of steel! I'm gonna rip these bastards' heads off!"

The unicorn lets out a startled neigh, then turns around and runs away.
You leap on the unicorns back and ride into the city.
"I've got balls of steal!" you yell, while beating aliens to death with your gun.
Duke Nukem Forever!
Tony, a flirty guy, winks at you, and tells you the aliens are peaceful. You've been beating them to death for no reason.  You feel a little embarrassed.
You start to feel the unicorn getting tense under you. It's not a horse, it's an alien creature.
> You say "why does this unicorn have a erection every time I sit on her? is it because I'm fully naked?"
You hear a loud fart, and realize the unicorn shit on you. You yell in disgust as another alien creature looks at you disgusted.
"What the fuck is going on?" it asks.
> You say "I LIKE IT!"
You smile at the creature. He smiles, and starts to move.
Suddenly, the unicorn butts you with it's horn, and you fall on the ground.
> You as the horn slides in, you contemplate your life choices.
Your situation worsens, but then the unicorn dies.
You feel alive and well. You couldn't think of a better way to be alive.
You walk away into the sunset.
The unicorn's family shows up. They want to know what happened.  You tell them you killed the unicorn because he wanted to have sex with aliens.
The unicorn's family calls in the alien mothership to come and take care of you.
You run and try to find shelter. The only place you can think of is the strip club you saw when you first got there.
You arrive, and find that it's closed down.
You break into the strip club. You find yourself surrounded by angry strippers.
"You killed our unicorn. Prepare to die."
> You know the only way out of this is with your dick. You know it will be long and hard but you can finish.
You run into a backroom where the strippers can't find you. You pull out your super soaker, knowing that this may end badly.
Suddenly, they break in. They're all completely naked.
You spray the strippers with sticky sugar water.
"AAAAHH! Icky!" the strippers yell.
You didn't think it would work, but you were still hopeful. The sugar water clogs their pores and causes fatal acne.
The moral of the story: Don't do drugs.
You make it out of the club alive, and drive away.
Your journey is over.