EP 517 – Story #2 – Kraft Punk – You are Kraft Punk, you like to play cheese-based pranks on people.

Posted under Episode 517, Story On By Chief 

You are Kraft Punk, you like to play cheese-based pranks on people. One day you sneak into Tony from AIPDs home and put Gorgonzola cheese in his shoes

 before he leaves for work that morning; when the smell of gouda fills up the air inside his house during lunch break at school, it causes quite a stir among everyone who has an olfactory sense.


Tony is heartbroken by all the people calling Stinky Tony.  You laugh.


 "Ha! Ha!" you say. The others join in your laughter as well. Then suddenly one of them says: "Hey look over there." And indeed they were right about something interesting happening nearby...


Your friends point out across the street towards a small park where some children are playing with their pets. It's so funny because most of these kids have never seen dogs or cats before (except those stuffed animals in zoos).


While everyone is distracted by the cute animals, you push a big red button and suddenly Tony


 starts screaming: "My feet! My feet! They're burning! Oh my God!" He runs off to the bathroom while other students start laughing uncontrollably. But not too much - after all, this isn't exactly normal behavior for him.


You run to the bathroom to revel in your prank, but you see that Tony's feet are bad injured by Fire Ants.  Unbeknownst to you, Fire Ants love cheese.  Tony recovers barely and slaps you with a million dollar law suit.


 You get arrested for arson. Your parents kick you out of the house.
A few weeks later, you receive a letter from Tony which reads:
 Dear Kraft Punk,
 I want to thank you for ruining my life.


 I am filing a lawsuit against you under Section 622 of the California Penal Code. This section states that anyone who burns down someone else's property must pay damages equal to five times the amount of insurance coverage available on said building.


You refuse to pay and challenge the lawsuit in court with a countersuit arguing that pranks are funny and you cannot sue if people laugh.


 Unfortunately, your lawyer makes several blunders and loses the case in front of Judge Judy herself, causing her to rule in favor of Tony, awarding him $10,000,000 as compensation for his injuries, plus another 10% interest per year until payment is made in full.


As you leave the court house feeling defeated, you look into the sky and see it's raining men (hallelujah).


 As you walk away you hear a voice call out to you from behind:
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
It was none other than Tony himself, still angry at you and determined to make sure you suffer even more punishment.


Tony has a prank of his own specific to you:


The next time you go to school, you find yourself surrounded by hundreds of ants crawling around on you everywhere. When you try to escape, you trip over a chair leg and fall flat onto your face.


Tony stands over you as ants swarm your body and laughs.  You yell in pain, "Tony, you're a naughty boy. Don't make me tell Jason and Cory about your behavior!"


But Tony doesn't listen. Instead he picks you up and throws you into a dumpster.
After spending three days trapped in a trash bin, you emerge covered in garbage and smelling terrible. You stagger back to your apartment only to be greeted by a large crowd of people outside the door waiting


 to see what happened.
They stare at you with disgust and horror as you stumble past them without saying anything, then slam open the door shut on their faces.
That night, you sleep fitfully, plagued by nightmares involving giant ant colonies and a huge pile of rotting meat.


You wake up from your nightmare to hear a knock at the door.  It is a process server who serves you a harassment lawsuit from the colony of ants.


 Apparently, they feel you've been tormenting them ever since you started dating their queen, and now they want revenge.
You decide to settle the dispute by agreeing to take the ants to the movies and buy each member of the colony popcorn.


You take the ants to see your favorite movie:


 "Antz". Afterward, you treat them to pizza and ice cream. The colony seems pleased.
When the credits roll, you notice that the colony has left. Puzzled, you ask the manager of the cinema why they haven't returned yet.


He replies, "Oh yeah, we had to turn 'Antz' into an R rating because the ants kept biting people."
This does nothing to comfort you.  You wonder how many other people suffered through similar experiences today.


You wake up again to get served with a lawsuit.  This time it's from the Theater who claims


 you caused them financial loss when you threw the rotten meat at them during the showing of "Jaws", forcing them to replace all the seats.
You respond by claiming that the theater should have provided better protection against animal attacks in theaters, such as installing padded walls or warning signs indicating dangerous animals might


 appear in the film.
Your argument fails to sway the judge who rules against you. She says that although she sympathizes with your plight, there are no laws protecting patrons against being attacked by wild creatures in public places.


This inspires you to pull one final prank before going to jail:


You sneak into the courthouse just as Tony is getting ready for trial. You wait until he enters the courtroom and then rush forward shouting, "Attention! Attention please!" Everyone stops and turns toward you expectantly.


John Sueya, the lawyer who was behind every lawsuit against you, runs into the courtroom screaming.


 He tells everyone that you're insane and needs to be committed immediately.
Judge Judy agrees with John and sentences you to two years in a mental institution.
Upon hearing this news, Tony becomes enraged.


The wild animals you set loose in the parking finally enter the courtroom.  Everyone is attacked by vicious


 wolves, bears and tigers, but fortunately no humans were harmed.
In retaliation for your stunt, Tony sues you once more under Section 852 of the California Penal Code. This law states that anyone who sets fire to a place where people are gathered will be sentenced to death by hanging.


The moral of the story:


 don't mess with nature.
At first you thought you would never get out of prison alive. But after serving ten months, you receive a letter telling you that you won the lottery and can choose any prize you desire.