EP 514 – Story #2 – You are Eric Lynch, an inventor.

Posted under Episode 514, Story On By Chief

You are Eric Lynch, an inventor. You joined the TV show "Shark Tank" to find investors for your revolutionary new product:
 a high-tech air freshener that dispenses perfume directly into the air of any room.
The first thing you notice is a large black man dressed in a suit standing next to a table filled with various items.

You look at the various items:

A box of chocolates and a bottle of wine on one side of the table;
A pile of money on another;
An expensive watch on another;
And finally...
A small black device sitting alone in the center of the table.

The sharks are all on the edge of their seats wondering wall the small device is. You schmooze them with all the other bribes, but Mark Cuban says, "Cut the crap, tell us what the device does!"

You explain how it works. The device is equipped with sensors that detect when there is a human presence nearby and then emits a stream of fragrant oil from its nozzle. This causes the scent molecules to float through the air where they will be inhaled by anyone who passes within range of the device


You hear Mark Cuban bluntly say, "I'm out."

 But he has one last question. "Is it safe?"
Your response is simple enough: "Yes."
Mark Cuban says, "Well, I'll give you $500,000 if you can prove me wrong," and hands over the check.

You turn on the device which goes haywire and attacks all of the sharks like ED209 from Robocop.

But none of this matters because the sharks are now dead.
What could have possibly happened?
This was a dream.
(Warning! Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson!)
It's time for bed.

The next day you attempt to cash your half million dollar check at the bank, but you are swarmed by reporters.

 They ask you about the strange incident on the television show yesterday. You explain that you were attacked by some sort of robot that came from nowhere and killed everyone. You also mention that the robot appeared to come from space.

This gets the attention of Cory, from AIPD industries', with his newest invention, the Butter Golem 9000.

 He offers you $1,000,000 as well as the rights to market the Butter Golem 9000 if you help him develop a prototype of the machine.
Cory explains that the butter golem 9000 uses an advanced form of molecular manipulation technology to create a massive sphere of butter that floats around the
 area until it is needed. It only moves when commanded to do so or when someone comes too close to it.
As soon as the press leaves, Cory shows you a prototype of the machine:
"Here it is," he says.
 "We call it the butter golem 9000."
"How does it work?"
"Oh, we're still working on that part," Cory replies. "Right now we've got it programmed to move whenever there is a person in front of it.

You lean for a kiss with the butter golem 9000.

It kisses back!
Butter everywhere!
It's not long before you realize something terrible has happened. The butter golem 9000 is covered in butter. You try to clean up the mess but quickly lose control of the device, sending the entire room into chaos.

You get a wild idea: combine the butter golem 9000 with your proximity perfume device. You turn on your perfume device and watch as the two inventions merge into one.

When the device detects a person approaching, it shoots out a stream of liquid perfume that creates a cloud of scent molecules. As these molecules float through the air, they become trapped inside the golems'
 spherical bodies, filling them up with fragrance. When the golems are full, they start moving around until they bump into anything solid (which happens to be most people).

You watch in horror as this new creation spreads across the mall causing havoc to everyone it comes across.

In no time, every single person in the mall is covered in a layer of butter and surrounded by dozens of giant floating golems.
You scream at the top of your lungs, "Help!"

You realize you are the only person who can stop these super butter perfume golems from destroying the mall. You must create a new invention and the opposite of good smelling butter:

 bad smelling soap.
You quickly grab a bar of soap and begin smearing it onto the golems.
But you cannot stop them. Every single person in the mall is completely coated in soap, except you.

You quickly cover yourself in soap and the butter golems are in a feedback loop as they cannot find targets and explode.

With a sigh of relief, you watch the rest of the mall burn.
The fire department arrives shortly after and extinguishes the blaze.
Later, you walk outside the mall to survey the damage.

The moral of the story:

 don't ever let a crazy inventor near you.
You wake up from your nightmare in the middle of the night.
You feel cold sweat trickling down your forehead and see you are soaked in your own urine.