EP 513 – Story #1 – Barry Bluejeans – You are a dwarf named Barry Bluejeans.

Posted under Episode 513, Story On By Chief

You are a dwarf named Barry Bluejeans. The kobolds have been bothering you for weeks now. They've been stealing your food, making noise at night, and just being generally annoying. You have had enough. You are going to teach those little creatures a lesson they won't soon forget
You search the kitchen for an old sack, which you use to catch and beat them with.
"Ow!" says one.
"Punch 'em again, Barry!" calls out another.

> You decide to change tactics and give the kobolds some kisses.

"I can't," you say in reply. "That's a secret."
The kobolds begin to protest.
"No fair! You said we could take turns kissing you!"
You laugh.

> You put on some romantic music: Barry White.

A second later you hear some thumping coming from your bedroom.
You sigh. The kobolds aren't going to be able to stand the suspense much longer.
You step into your bedroom and slam the door shut.

You enter the bedroom to see what is making that noise and discover

 the kobolds dancing wildly around your bed. The walls shake as they sing.
The song begins:
"We're all alone...
"It's a hot summer night..."
"And I'm dreaming of your smile..."

You lean in for a kiss with the kobold at the head of your bed.

 It leans down towards you, but then it stops.
"Hey," says one.
"Punch 'em again, Barry!" calls out another.
"Kiss 'em instead."
Barry, you think as you close the distance between you.

You notice in fighting between the Punch Em' Kobolds and the Kiss Em' Kobolds and attempt to broker peace talks between them.

"Quit your squabbling!" says Barry. "Or we'll have to separate you two. I don't want to see either of you suffer, so just kiss already!"
You hear the kobolds exchange a few words in their own language before they settle down and begin kissing.

You whisper to the kobolds that it is much more romantic and violent at your neighbor's house.

"The guy has a chainsaw," says Barry. "I've seen them in action."
You return to your apartment.
You are in your bedroom. The kobolds have been in there too long.

You try a different tactic and reveal your troubled past to the kobolds.

"My mother didn't love me," you say. "She threw me out on the street. She said she'd rather see me dead than live with me."
The kobolds look at you in confusion.

You tell the kobold's your most embarrassing story:

 how you got a nosebleed right in front of the queen of the kobolds.
"You must have scared her terribly," says the kobold at the foot of your bed.
"That was no lie," you say.

You decide to stock your fridge with a food you know the kobold's hate:

You find some in your pantry.
You take out a can of spam and begin to eat. It tastes awful, but you are hungry.
After eating the canned meat, you head towards the bedroom.
You open the door to the bedroom and see the kobold's lying there with their eyes closed.
The kobold on the floor opens its eyes.
"What are you doing in here?"

You light a torch and attempt to scare the kobold's out of your house for good!

You burn their bodies to a crisp and incinerate their bones before you go out on the streets, hoping that the kobolds will never bother you again.
You are back in your kitchen.

You level up and gain the following kobold removal skills:

 "Swiftness" (speed), "Fire" (inferno), "Earth" (bombs), and "Water" (poison).
You are now the leader of the kobold's resistance movement.

You create a catchy slogan for the Kobold resistance:

 "The kobolds are not to be touched!" You print this message on flyers and distribute them all over the city.
You feel more confident than ever that the kobolds will be eradicated from your home.

You establish a food bank for the resistance FAR AWAY from your home.

 The kobolds might steal the food, but it'll take a while before they find it.
You are now ready to strike. You set off across town towards the nearest Kobold's Nest.

You strike the Kobold's nest with peace and love.

It is just a simple cave. There are no kobold's inside.
You hear some yowling and growling coming from behind the rocks at the back of the cave. You pick up the torch and make your way around the corner.

You accidentally incinerate the entire kobold nest.

The kobold's are terrified when they realize they have been betrayed by their own leader.
They run away screaming, leaving nothing behind except a few bones.
You find a small bag of diamonds in the ashes of the kobold's nest.