EP 512 – Story #1 – Johnny the Rat-Sender – You are Johnny the Rat-Sender, a man who spends every day of his life giving rats both live and dead to people in the mall, safely stored in the pockets of your cargo-jorts.

Posted under Episode 512, Story On By Chief

You are Johnny the Rat-Sender, a man who spends every day of his life giving rats both live and dead to people in the mall, safely stored in the pockets of your cargo-jorts. You are a good rat-sending boy—your mother had taught you well how to put rats into other people's pants without getting bitten or caught by security guards—but sometimes you needed more than one rat to get the message across.
 So when you spotted this guy with a fat wallet and a bulging belly, you knew right away he was going to need a lot more rats than just one to be delivered safely home to his loving family.

You put 20 rats in Cory from AIPD's pants.

A few days later you're out for a walk around the mall, and suddenly you hear a giant, horrible noise coming from somewhere within the mall. It is like nothing you have ever heard before.

You look to the Cinnabon and see Ricky The Rat, a cartoon character from the Movie Studio Ratney.

 He has made it big in Hollywood.
But tonight, Ricky has had enough of Hollywood. He is tired of being used as an animal to get kids excited about the latest Disney movie. So he has decided to take a stand against the movie industry.

You equip your rats with a bag of rat-sized stealth suits and have them sneakily record Ricky the Rat to find out more.

The rats crawl around the studio floor until they spot him. You think that there's no way the rat is going to catch on, but then he turns around and sees them.
Ricky jumps back, his fur bristling.

You jump out of a nearby trash can and yell, "You've yeed your last had, bub!"

Ricky the Rat begins to run away, but you and all the rats chase after him.
Ricky leads you to a small room. Inside is a giant rat costume, which Ricky says will help him fight back against the movie studios.

But it is too late, the movie studio Ratny has sent there most strongest and litigant attorney: Senator Ratstrong.

Senator Ratstrong begins to demand to know how Ricky came to be in the room. But before he can say anything, Ricky kicks off his heels and yells, "I'm sick of being treated like some rat-rat!
 I want to be treated like a rat!"
"Fine," says the senator. "We'll start by letting you out of this ridiculous costume."
Ricky removes the outfit, revealing himself to be completely naked underneath.

You panic and have your rats hop in Senator Ratstrong's pants.

The senator finds his genitals being squeezed by 20 little rat hands. He screams in terror and pain, and has a massive heart attack.
The rats let him go, and the rats start to leave.

You start to leave when you accidentally slip on a banana.

 You land hard on your face, cracking several of your ribs.
Your lungs begin to fill with blood and you feel light-headed as the pain takes over your body.
The rats start to leave without you.

Ricky the Rat nurses you back to health. You are saddened to learn that your rats just hung out in the dumpster all night.


But then Ricky gives you a present.
It's a giant sack full of money.
You count it all, and sure enough, it is more than what you made in years selling rats in the mall.

You ask Ricky, "Why are you giving me this money?"

"Because," says Ricky, "you saved my life."
"What? I didn't save your life, I only saved your testicles. I don't know how they could even call me a hero."

You accept the money from Ricky and leave the mall. You can not finally start the small business of your dreams:

 a pet rat bakery!
It doesn't take long for word to spread about your new business.
People stop in every day to buy cakes and cupcakes. You love what you do.
Until one day, you receive an urgent message from someone who says that they are interested in buying rats
 from you.
You open up your email and find a message from a woman named Debbie. She says that she has heard about your rats, and would like to make an order.
You send Debbie an email with a list of rats that you have available, and hope for the best.

You send her a list of the follow rat baked goods:

 Rats in a Bag: These delicious treats are made from chocolate and real rat meat, then wrapped in a piece of fabric. They come in three different sizes, small, medium, and large.
Cake Rat: This delicious confectionary features two rat patties and a cake garn
ish. The cake is covered in icing that tastes like chocolate but actually contains no chocolate whatsoever.
Pizza Rat: This pie-shaped cake comes in two flavors: plain and pepperoni. The pizza is topped with rat cheese.

Debbie orders all of the above and tells you these are the best rat goods she has ever eaten and wants to invest!

She says she wants to open a chain of stores across the country, and would like to open the first one in New York City.
You agree to sell Debbie your rats and sign a contract so that the business deal can go through.

Debbie brands the restaurants under a new name:

 "The Ratty Bites," and pays you handsomely for each store.
But Debbie begins to notice that your rats are disappearing. You are worried and look into it, but the rats seem to be all over the city.

You continue to breed rats in your spare time for years to keep the population up. You do too good of a job and New York City develops a horrendous rat problem.

Your rats are found everywhere: on subway cars, in garbage cans, and even inside a bathroom stall in Times Square.
A citywide campaign begins to wipe out the rat infestation.  The mayor wants to use a toxic chemical to kill all of the rats in the city, but the
 police officers disagree because it would cause the rats to die off and create a huge health crisis for the residents.
You are asked to present the facts about the rat problem, and offer some solutions that do not involve using poison

:

Rats are not just a health hazard; they can be a great resource for the citizens of New York City.
If we could use these rats to build homes and provide jobs for people in the city, it would make sense to try to help them survive and thrive.