EP 510 – Story #3 – Neil Been – You are Neil Been, master hacker and owner of a magic stone that cures cancer.

Posted under Episode 510, Story On By Chief

You are Neil Been, master hacker and owner of a magic stone that cures cancer. You are hacking the government to uncover the evil secrets you know they are hiding, all from your friend's shitty suburban home. Your best friend loves nothing more than his cherry red vintage car, much to the dismay of his wife. You are running out of smashable laptops to hack with, however, and need
 some cash for some new toys. You have two other best friends: one is a short-tempered self-important know it all, while the other is an unpredictable paranoid with multiple personalities. He also has an unhealthy obsession with conspiracy theories and thinks you're a CIA agent sent to infiltrate his inner
 circle. His wife is an insecure trophy wife who spends too much money on clothes and jewellery, but hates shopping in stores because she always feels like everyone is staring at her. You have three sisters who are all as equally vapid and shallow as each other.
 They live in the suburbs and spend most of their time gossiping about everyone else's lives and trying to stay out of trouble. They are obsessed with fashion and love nothing more than spending their parents' hard earned money on clothing and accessories.

You are approached at a local community college campus library by an actual CIA agent, The Sex Lizard.

 He seems rather clumsy and unprofessional, though he's clearly been around the block a few times. He seems to be extremely knowledgeable about hacking, having been involved in the process countless times before, and can tell right off the bat that you've been playing a dangerous game by hacking into government networks.

The Sex Lizard hands you a pile of Cory from AIPD's speedos.

 "I need you to do something for me. I have this very sensitive government computer network and I need you to break into it."
You agree to help him, not really thinking too hard about what you're getting yourself into.

It takes all night, but you finally hack into all the government servers and learn their secrets:

 a top secret program called The Program, which is designed to eliminate overpopulation and control the population explosion caused by mass cloning technology.
The sex lizard explains that in order to keep this information out of the wrong hands, he must kill all the people who know about The Program, and then himself,
 before he is captured and tortured. In order to do so, he needs some special hardware and some extremely high-powered computer equipment that you happen to have. He also wants to keep his identity secret, so he'll be disguised as a delivery man.

The sex lizard appears at your home the next day dressed as a delivery man and hands you a package:

 a top-secret laser sniper rifle with thermal scope and motion tracking device. You agree to help him.
The Sex Lizard heads to New York City where he recruits one of Cory's old teammates, Mr. DeSoto, to help him take out everyone who knows about the program.

In the middle of your top secret mission, you run into an old middle school crush named Stephanie and try to rekindle your romance with her.

 She says she likes you, but is still madly in love with your childhood friend and you are both worried that you may lose her forever. She is confused, however, because she thinks you've already had a chance to make things work between the two of you, and now you're trying to
 push her away again.
That night, you get another message from the Sex Lizard telling you that everything is going according to plan. He needs some special software to control the entire government network and send the information out.

You hack something together and send the Sex Lizard the program with the inconspicuous name:

 "Program 1.0" and you never hear from him again.
Later, after you've been successfully running The Program for several months, you get a message from a certain CIA agent. "I'm sorry that I was unable to kill everyone as I'd planned.
 Things didn't quite work out as planned." You decide not to respond and instead go to sleep.
Your life has been changed forever by the evil secrets you now know about The Program and its effects on society, and you realize that this knowledge can be used for good, rather than evil.
 You are determined to change things for the better, but have no idea where to begin.
You awaken and find that the evil government agents are about to capture you. It's too late; all that is left to do is run.

You are riddle with bullets by the evil agents. But a light emanates from you and you transform into

 a hulking monstrosity of a man with super-strength and incredible speed. You tear apart the agents like they were nothing more than toys in your hands.
You then look around your home and realize that it is covered with bullet holes, and the CIA agent who contacted you has vanished

.

You yell to no one in particular a threat against the sex lizard and all evil government agents:

 "I'll kill you all."
The sex lizard has been very careful to keep his identity secret. He's hidden his car so that he can avoid being recognized as he picks up the package from you, and then he travels under the cover of night through the country roads.

Next time on "Neil Been Superhero":

 You arrive at a rural farm house deep in the woods, wearing only a cape, boots, and a mask made of an old brown sheet.
You're about to learn what it means to be a real superhero.