EP 510 – Story #1 – Mustard Mike – You are Mustard Mike.

Posted under Episode 510, Story On By Chief

You are Mustard Mike. You eat so much mustard that one day you wake up and realize that your whole body has turned into mustard
! You scream in horror, then remember what will happen to the world if you do not go on a quest for the Holy Mustard!
A full-sized bottle of ketchup will cure your condition (provided it is less than two weeks old).

> You go to the grocery store and apply ketchup to your wounds.

Ketchup tastes good but doesn't really help with the mustard problem, and there's no time to make another trip to the store. The only other thing that might work is pickles. Pickling has been known to reduce the size of some foods...

> You know there is only one place to get pickles in this town... you must make a harrowing journey to the Cursed Farmer's market for some artisanal pickles.

You leave home and travel west to the Cursed Farmer's Market (a small farm where farmers bring their produce every morning to be cursed by the local voodoo cult).
This is an awful place; people live on the street and sell everything from bootleg video games to stolen car parts.

> You notice something that catches your eye: a jar of Granny Cream.

A fine vintage, but you don't have any money to pay for it. This is the curse of living in this cursed city!
The old farmer, however, has taken pity on you and offers you a job tending to his field.

The old farmer is Tony, a guy who stole all the pickles in the town. You figure if you do a good job, maybe he will give you some of his pickle hoard.

Your job is simple: plant, tend to, and harvest the crop of the field. The old farmer, however, keeps putting you under spells and curses so that the crops die before they can be harvested!

> You try to make friends with the old farmer Tony.

Tony likes to eat children and drive their parents insane.
You just want to work and get some pickles!
The old farmer refuses to give you any of the pickles in exchange for your work, and tells you that his wife used to steal them in the past but stopped after she died

.

> You realize the only way to get a pickle is to steal. You wait until the middle of the night and break into Farmer Tony's barn to steal a pickle.

As you go through the farmer's barn, you notice that it looks like a normal farm house, with a living room, kitchen, a few bedrooms and a bathroom.
There is nothing weird about this.

But then you hear a voice. You go to the table and see Pickle Rick.

 Pickle Rick looks like the lovechild of an apple and a pickle.
Pickle Rick: "Howdy neighbor! I've been expecting you!"
"My name is Pickle Rick.
 And my father, a very well respected pickle farmer from a long line of pickle farmers, had the most wonderful idea one day."
"He decided to plant a field of pickles, and to make sure it grew and flourished he made me a little planter!"

You ask Pickle Rick to help you on your quest for the Holy Mustard.

Pickle Rick: "What's your favorite pickle?"
Pickle Rick takes a bite out of you, and you scream.
Pickle Rick: "Ah, so you want to be cured of your mustard?
 Well, I can do that! Just close your eyes and follow my lead."
You see Pickle Rick's arms growing larger and larger. In no time at all they are the size of tree trunks, and Pickle Rick is able to pick up the entire barn and move it into the
 farmer's house!
"Now then, open your eyes! We must put this planter here and tend it to get a good crop."
Pickle Rick plops the barn on the table.

You notice Pickle Rick wants you to remove Farmer Tony's eyes and replace them with cucumbers.

 You resist at first, but then realize that Pickle Rick is right - this is how he made his pickles!
Pickle Rick then goes about planting the pickles around the barn.
You are overwhelmed by Pickle Rick's love for pickles and agree to help him grow a bumper
 crop.
You realize Pickle Rick has planted hundreds of cucumbers in the barn and that he's going to need help harvesting them.
You take over the task of picking the cucumbers; they taste like dirt but are strangely satisfying.

Pickle Rick catches you eating the cucumbers and attacks.

Pickle Rick: "Stop eating my pickles or else!"
Pickle Rick punches you and breaks your pickle jar, spraying you with mustard.
You look up and see a man wearing an apron, a top hat, and carrying a knife standing over Pickle Rick.

The man is none other than Chef

 Leo, the famous pickle taster for the King.
Chef Leo: "And who might you be?"
"Oh, sorry about that," you say. "My name is Pickle Rick and I just came here to steal the holy mustard."

You and Chef Leo team up to wrestle the holy mustard out of Pickle Rick's hands.

Pickle Rick: "I knew it! That was no mustard! It was Pickle Rick mustard!"
Chef Leo: "Why would you do such a thing? You've corrupted the Holy Mustard."

You fe
el the Pickle Rick mustard enter your body and begin to corrupt you.

  Your mind is overwhelmed with strange thoughts and you turn into something horrible

:

 a pickle monster!
Your transformation ends as quickly as it began when Chef Leo stabs you with his knife, sending you back to normal.

Pickle Rick escapes and your thank Chef Leo for saving your life. Chef Leo tells you that there is one more source of Holy Mustard: inside of

 the King's stomach.
Pickle Rick must have eaten it while he was in the palace.
Chef Leo: "Come on, let's go after the pickle thief!"
You and Chef Leo enter the King's stomach where Chef Leo claims that the pickle thief must be hiding

.

You notice the King's stomach is full of monsters:

 all kinds of pickles, carrots and onions that are all bigger than you are and have sharp teeth and claws.
A giant pickle monster attacks you but Chef Leo saves you by stabbing the monster with his knife, killing it.

Then you see in, glowing on a big pickle slice: a jar of the Holy Mustard. You rush to open it and slather yourself in it.

"Thank you, Chef Leo," you say. "You're a true friend. Now we can find the Holy Mustard and save the Pickle People!"
With the Holy Mustard, you defeat the Giant Pickle Monster and capture the pickle thief, Pickle Rick.

The moral of the story:

 Pickle Rick is not the pickle you want to trust.
Pickle Rick: "That wasn't my fault! I had to steal the pickle thieves from the King. He was going to eat them."