EP 509 – Story #2 – Greg the Wizard – Your name is Greg, a wizard.

Posted under Episode 509, Story On By Chief

Your name is Greg, a wizard. A beautiful woman named Lisa asks you to rebuild her deck. You agree because you want to sleep with her, but you don't know what you're doing

. Her house has an unusual layout. It's very large and open; the living room is in the west wing of the north end of the first floor. The dining room is at the south end of the east wing, which also contains two bedrooms (one for each daughter).

> You hear a knock at the door and meet your nemesis Sir Chwimble, the anti-carpenter.

You tell him that you can help him build his deck, so long as he does all the work. He agrees to this condition. You have just started working on his deck when a group of angry elves show up demanding the return of their property.

> You lean in the for a kiss.

The elves attack you. They are quite strong and they use magic against you. You are knocked unconscious and lose consciousness. When you come around, Lisa tells you how she needs help with her deck. She says it's not safe to be outside anymore.

You look outside and see the angry elves are waiting for you. You run out and say, "I challenge you to a yugioh duel!"

"Yes," says Sir Chwimble. He then pulls out a deck of cards from somewhere and begins playing the game.
Sir Chwimble wins the duel easily. He gloats about how easy it was to beat someone who didn't even bother trying to defend himself.

You pull out your secret weapon: A booster pack of yugioh cards! You reveal a very rare and powerful card:

 Dark Magician Girl. Sir Chwimble becomes furious. He shouts that he'll never give up his cards and storms off angrily.
Lisa thanks you and offers you some tea. As you drink your tea, you notice there's something strange about her face.
 Is she possessed by an evil spirit? What is happening here?!
After your encounter with Lisa, you realize you need more training. You decide to seek out your master, the legendary magician Lord Maggot, who lives in a castle deep underground.

You arrive at the castle and meet Tony, the hot-haired son of King Jason who has a crush on Lisa.

 Tony shows you around the castle, which is filled with traps and deadly enemies. Your task is to get past them and find your master.
Tony explains that his father has gone insane due to the influence of a dark sorcerer who resides in the castle.

You head Tony's warnings, but the traps are very easy to dodge and the puzzles are trivial to solve. You finally arrive at Lord Maggot's chambers and see him

 sitting in front of his fireplace. There is no one else here.
Lord Maggot is old and frail. His beard is white and he has lost most of his hair. He looks like a pathetic old man.

> You gently slap Lord Maggot in the face to wake him up.

Maggot sits up abruptly and gasps. "Who's there?!"
"It's me," you answer. "Greg."
He gets up and stumbles over to the fire. He throws himself into it.

> You pull him from the fire and lean in for a kiss.

His lips feel warm and moist. His breath smells like rotting flesh. He kisses back, hard.
As you leave the chamber, you turn around. Lord Maggot's eyes glow red. A wicked grin appears across his face.

> You yell "It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!"

Lord Maggot takes a moment to recover from being thrown into the fire and then turns to face you. He smiles and reaches behind his back.
You draw your sword. "Bring it on," you shout.

You begin the duel! It is a tough fight, Lord Maggot lives up to his name.

 After many grueling rounds of combat, you manage to defeat Lord Maggot.
As he dies, he reveals himself to be none other than Sir Chwimble, the infamous carpenter!
With your victory, you gain access to Lord Maggot's lair.

Sir Chimble mumbles his final words before passing:

 "A curse upon you and yours!"
You take Lord Maggot's ring and flee the castle.
Lisa runs after you shouting, "Stop!"
She grabs you and hugs you tightly. She says, "Thank you!

> You say "Thanks Lisa, now how we build you that deck and then you sleep with me."

You start building the deck. Lisa helps you. While you're building the deck, Lisa tells you about what happened between her and her ex-boyfriend, Chris.
When she first met Chris, he had been very kind and considerate.

You say, "BORING," and change the subject.

Lisa asks if you've ever considered dating another woman. You reply that you haven't thought about it.
Lisa says that she knows of a girl named Tina who would make a wonderful girlfriend for you.

You accuse Lisa of being a bad mother.

 You tell her that Tina will have to stay away from you because you don't want her to die.
Lisa tries to explain herself, saying that she only wants the best for you and that Tina isn't a bad person.

You continue to gaslight Lisa by saying, "I never she was! I'm going to tell Tina what you said about her."

Lisa cries, begging you not to ruin their friendship.
Lisa continues to try to convince you otherwise, but you refuse to listen. You storm out of the room angrily.
The next morning, Lisa comes into your bedroom as you're getting dressed.

You tell her, "Thanks for letting me stay over after I called you a bad mother."

Lisa cries and apologizes.
Lisa asks you again if you'd reconsider dating Tina. You admit that Tina might be a good match for you.
Lisa gives you a hug and promises to help Tina move in.

You are a lonely wizard, so despite this going very fast, you agree and Tina moves in with you.

Tina is pretty enough and seems nice enough. She also has a lot of money and makes you dinner every night. However, Tina doesn't seem interested in anything besides spending all day watching television.

You pickup the phone and call Lisa.
You say, "Lisa, just leave me alone. I know you'd rather be with Chris or Tony."

Lisa replies, "That's not true, Greg. I love you!"
Your heart sinks.
"Listen," you say. "Chris told me everything last night."
Lisa hangs up.

You drop the phone shocked to learn that Chris is still alive. How could this happen!? Then you remember the evil spirit you saw in his eyes. You realize

 that it must be the same thing that turned your parents into zombies.
You rush to Lisa's apartment where you find her sobbing on the couch.
"Why?" she wails. "What did I do wrong?

You tell her.

 "I heard what Chris told you last night."
Lisa looks at you sadly. "No... No... That's impossible..."
You point an accusing finger. "Didn't you see that evil look in his eye!?"

Chris shambles into the room completely possessed by the evil spirit of

 Lord Maggot.
You tell him, "Don't worry, I'll kill you both. First you, Chris, then me, Lisa."
Lisa shouts, "NO!"
Chris laughs maniacally.

Lisa's daughters enter the room and bury Chris in child support paperwork.

After that, Lisa leaves you forever.
You decide to move on with your life.
You buy a small cabin in the woods outside town and settle down.
For years, you live peacefully in your new home.

You get a visit the ghost of Lord Maggot and you sit down and reveal your troubled past to him.

He listens patiently while you speak, nodding along occasionally.
Finally, when you finish telling him everything, he says, "I can understand why you would turn against your family like that. But I'm afraid there's no way I can undo what I've done."

You realize you have just been cursed by the ghost of Lord Maggot. The curse has the following side effects:

Whenever you are touched by anyone (including yourself), the touch causes them to feel pain.
If you are touched by someone who has been hurt recently, you experience even more excruciating agony.
You suffer from a constant headache that grows worse whenever you use magic.