EP 508 – Story #1 – Gull Ible – You are Gull Ible, an idiot.

Posted under Episode 508, Story On By Chief

You are Gull Ible, an idiot. One day, you receive an Email from a Nigerian Prince who wants to give you 2 million dollars
 for some reason or another. He'll only send it to you if you pay some kind of "tax" first. You know nothing about taxes, so you go to ask your dad. He says that it's really easy, and tells you how to get the money.

> You say "When I get the money, I'm going to donate part of it to AIPD."

He frowns at this and asks you why you should bother with the money. After all, AIPD doesn't have the money they need to do their job properly. He then goes on to tell you about how the government needs money in order to make laws that protect people from harm

.
> You email back the Nigerian prince and agree to help him for a price.

You reply, telling him that you're interested and willing to assist him for a certain fee.
After a few more days, the Nigerian prince emails you back, thanking you for your kind offer and offers to meet you later today.

> You push the button.

Nothing happens. You try again.
Nothing.
The room is filled with dust. You cough and gag, trying to clear away the thick haze, but to no avail. There seems to be some sort of mechanical device in the center of the room.

> You yell "I accept Jim Christ as my lord and savior. Praise Jim!"

"Jim who?" You look around for someone named "Jim", but he is nowhere to be seen.
The room is empty. You begin to worry that you've lost your mind.
It's a hot July day, and you're sweating under your winter coat.

> You hear a rumbling and look outside your window to see a Nigerian police Tank approaching.

A Nigerian police tank approaches the neighborhood. It stops and a police officer comes out, walking over to your house.
You're nervous, but the police officer seems nice. He asks you why you don't want the police to come inside.

> You say "I did not hit her, it's bullshit I did not hit her, I did nawt."

The police officer says that he'll take you to the station for questioning. You tell him that you didn't do anything, and he should let you go.
You're brought into an interrogation room with a police officer and another man in uniform.

> You see the police officer sit across from you and you lean in for a kiss.

You start to kiss him, but stop and ask him if you could have a coffee instead.
You're taken back to the police station. The officer tells you that they're going to do a DNA test and that you should cooperate so that he can get out of there as quickly as possible.

> You get the results of the DNA test back and it turns out you are Nigerian royalty and next in line to be prince!

 Congratulations.
A DNA test confirms what you already knew: you are Nigerian royalty.
"Why would I do that? I've got nothing to hide," you tell the police.

> You hop on the next red eye flight to Nigeria and attempt to take your place on the throne.

You arrive in Lagos, and it's hot. Very hot. You immediately buy a hat. It's just as hot inside the palace as outside. You get a tour of the grounds and meet the new King, who tells you that it's about time you returned home and took your rightful place

.

> You say "That's nice, but first I would like my $2 million inheritance that I was promised."

Your uncle asks you to repeat yourself. He then asks if you think that he's a fool, to which you reply that yes he is. You demand your money now or else he'll make sure the police know about all of your dealings with him.

> You attempt to call the police on the King, but when they show up, they arrest you instead.

The police officer says that he's been trying to reach you to ask you for help. You didn't hear the phone ringing because you were sleeping, and had forgotten about the Nigerian prince. The police officer explains that someone named "Jim Christ" has been scamming people in the United States and that
 he needs your help to catch them.
The officer says that it looks like you've been getting away with this for years and that he'd really appreciate your help.
"I can't do it, I have my own problems," you say.

> You contact your most powerful friend: John Philip Clum, mayor of Tombstone, Arizona Territory.

You've heard from a mutual friend that Mayor Clum has connections that will get you the protection you need. You send an email to the mayor, telling him that you're having trouble with some bad guys and that you need his help.

You level up and gain the following clum powers:

Clum Vision: Your vision is sharpened.
Clum Gun: You can use any gun of your choice, or any gun that is in your posession.
You hear a loud banging at the door.

It's Jim Christ! He bursts in and you fire your Clum Gun!

A gunshot rings out and the bullet hits the man, blowing him to bits and causing a small explosion.
Jim Christ is dead. The room is filled with smoke, but you manage to put the fire out before it burns the house down.

The King commemorates this day in your honor with a new holiday he is calling:

 Jim Christ Day.
Jim Christ Day is a national holiday celebrated by all Nigerians. They call it "Jumoke's Day".
"How did I miss that?" you wonder.
Your brother says that he was going to ask you why you always left your guns out where everyone could
 see them, but that he'll take care of it. He also tells you that if you had kept your weapons out of sight, he would have come to your aid sooner.

> You say "Suns out, guns out."

You put your weapons back into storage and tell your brother that you'll be home soon. You get a phone call from Mayor Clum asking you for help. You go over to his office.
Mayor Clum has a lot of enemies, and wants to make sure they stay away from his

Clum Bazooka.

The mayor asks you to guard the building. It doesn't sound like a job you'd want, but you know that you've got no choice.
You don't really like the idea of having to defend Mayor Clum's office against anyone who wants to come in and shoot up the place

.

Mayor Clum shows you an AIPD briefcase containing two million dollars.

 This money is part of his plan to stop the drug trade in Tombstone. He explains that he needs someone to watch over the briefcase while he goes out on a job to bring in the gang that runs the town.

You wait for Mayor Clum to leave and then you steal the brief and blow all of the money on a

 night of debauchery at the Silver Dollar Saloon!
A police officer is waiting for you outside the saloon. He tells you that you're under arrest for the theft of the brief case.