EP 505 – Story #2 – Driving Mr Grasshopper – You are driving through the countryside and suddenly a grasshopper jumps into the passenger seat of your car.

Posted under Episode 505, Story On By Chief

You are driving through the countryside and suddenly a grasshopper jumps into the passenger seat of your car. He takes your hand and says, "Do you mind if I drive?"
 You say no. The grasshopper drives well and everything seems normal until you realize he has driven off the side of a cliff.

"I guess I should have seen this coming," said the grasshopper as he floated to the top of the cliff.

Thinking your life is about to end, you lean in for a kiss with the grasshopper.

The grasshopper's lips do not feel like grass. They feel like an old piece of bread you ate when you were five. You throw up all over the grasshopper's face and he screams, "Bitch!"
 and flies away.

You look down at your body and find that your boobs have disappeared.

You go back inside the house and find that your body has grown incredibly skinny. The skin on your stomach feels tight and dry and you begin to cry.

You yell out "Jiminy Cricket!" which offends the grasshopper.

"Don't call me that!" shouts the grasshopper.
He hurls a rock at you that hits your head and knocks you unconscious.
When you wake up the next day, you discover that your penis has become a giant carrot.

You receive a text from Tony from AIPD that reads, "Enjoy your new carrotenis!"

You open up the front door of your house to find that the grasshopper is hiding in your living room. He is wearing a dark suit with a white shirt and tie underneath.
"You're looking well," says the grasshopper, "It's so nice to finally meet you

You ask the grasshopper, "What did you do to my penis and why does everyone know about it already?"

The grasshopper tells you that he was responsible for the penis transplant but that no one knows what happened to your breasts.
You explain to him that you are embarrassed. He agrees to keep it a secret as long as you promise not to tell anyone about his penis.

You ask the grasshopper, "What is the secret of your penis?"

The grasshopper answers, "My penis is very special. It contains the spirit of the Great God of All Things."
"The great God of All Things is a lie," you say.

Pete the Rabbit, your room mate, enters the room and sits on the couch.

"What is this bullshit I hear about your penis?" asks Pete.
"You heard me right, it's true. My penis is a God," replies the grasshopper.
"Yeah, I can see how that could be a problem," says Pete.

You see Peter licking his lips and eyeing your crotch.

"I have a God inside my penis?" says Pete.
The grasshopper grabs Peter by the arm and tells him he will let him eat the grasshopper's dick if Peter doesn't tell anyone about the penis.

Peter is too distracted by your giant carrot penis and pulls out a carrot peeler.

"If you're going to make a penis out of carrots, then this is the least you can do for the rest of us," says Pete.

The grasshopper pulls out an uzi and says, "This is the best I can do," and shoots Peter.

The next day, you wake up and find that your genitals have sprouted legs and are crawling up your leg towards your head.
"What in the world is that?" says Pete as he looks at the legs writhing around you.

Your genital tell you, "Hi, my name is

"Oh my God," screams Pete, "This is a new species!"
Paul says, "It's not so bad once you get used to it."
Paul's genitals begin to crawl out of your body and disappear into the distance.

You try to chase Paul, but your cock blocks you.

"What does a person even do with a penis that has legs?" asks Pete.
"I don't know, but we should probably kill him before he starts multiplying," says the grasshopper.

You know the one place your genitals would run off to:

 your ex-wife's house. You pack up some food and drive over there.

When you get inside the house, you see your ex-wife is alone with her three sons, Jack, Steven and Tom.

You demand to know where Paul is

 and your ex-wife tells you that she threw him in the garbage.
"The garbage?" you say.
"Yes," replies your ex-wife, "I put him in the garbage because he was covered in your blood and he stinks really bad."

You stand over the garbage, noticing Paul has been defeated by your ex-wife... again. You say, "

Thank you for being such a good wife."
Your ex-wife stares at you for a while.
"What is it?" says your ex-wife.
You answer, "You're so pretty."

You lean in for a kiss with your ex-wife.

As you kiss, your penis shrinks until it is no bigger than a baby's tooth.
Paul's genitals start to crawl out of the garbage and disappear into the distance.
You laugh at the tiny penis in your hand.

You tell your ex-wife, "The more things change, am I right?"

She gives you a confused look.
"Do you remember when you told me that I had to lose my virginity or our marriage would end?" asks the grasshopper.
You nod.
"Well, now that you've lost your penis, I think this means our marriage is over