EP 505 – Story #1 – Cletus Homeworm – You are Cletus Homeworm, an American tourist in Italy.

Posted under Episode 505, Story On By Chief

You are Cletus Homeworm, an American tourist in Italy. You walk into a restaurant and order a pineapple pizza, when suddenly the room goes silent
. Everyone stares at you as if you are the antichrist or something.

You: "I know it seems strange to all of you right now, but I'll explain later."
They: "Oh my god."

They begrudgingly make your order, but everyone in the restaurant continues to stare at you as you eat.

 It turns out that the pizza was made with real pineapples instead of cheese, and they are not happy about this.
Cletus: "Listen guys, I'm sorry this happened, but it was just one little mistake, OK?"

You ask, "Can I have some butter for my pizza? Jason told me that buttered pizza is delicious."

Everyone stares at you in silence. Finally, the manager says, "Why don't you just take that back?"
You: "OK."
You take it back to the kitchen and tell the chef what you did.
 The chef tells you he will never make another mistake like this again.
He: "So you won't make a mistake like this again? You're sure?"
You: "Yes. I promise.

You then ask the Italian chef for fettuccini alfredo.

 As soon as you finish eating the pasta, you start to feel sick. You run outside the restaurant, throw up on the sidewalk, and fall asleep. You wake up next to the trash can. There is vomit everywhere and you smell like vomit.

The chef comes out and tells you, "That's a spicy meatball."

You: "No it wasn't. It was fettuccini alfredo."
He: "It was a spicy meatball."
Cletus: "What's the difference?"

You say, "I need some more pizza, surely that will improve my situation"

They: "No.
You: "Are you sure?"
They: "No.
You: "What if I went home and came back in a week?
They: "NO!"

Just as you are about to walk away dejected, the Kool Aid Man explodes from the restaurant and yells, "OH YEAH!"

Cletus: "Kool Aid Man, what's your problem?"
Kool Aid Man: "That was a spicy meatball!"
You: "A what now?"
Kool Aid Man: "A spicy meatball!

You still want pizza, so you ask Kool Aid Man if his cousin, Pizza Aid Man, is nearby.

Kool Aid Man says, "Yes. He is at home. He just has to finish making dinner."
You say, "Great! Can I help? I'm a really good cook."

You go to the Pizza Aid Man's house and help him cook dinner, a delicious meal consisting of the following Italian dishes:

1) Spaghetti with olive oil and parmesan cheese.
2) Lasagna filled with meat and ricotta cheese.
3) Meatball stew.
4) Cacio e pepe pasta.

You try your best, but your dinner by adding an unusual ingredient to every dish:

 butter. When the meal is done, everyone is pleased except for the owner of the house who is furious and refuses to pay.
Kool Aid Man: "Why don't we all get ice cream?"

You go for ice cream and try to settle things with the Pizza Aid Man.

 You tell him that it was just a mistake made by a bad chef. The Pizza Aid Man listens to your story, and then says, "Oh yeah?"
He walks over to the Kool Aid Man and gives him a high-five.

Everything appears fine, until the ice cream patrons watch you add the following unconventional ice topping to your sundae:

Everyone is disgusted and runs out of the restaurant screaming, leaving you alone. You run outside too, and notice that your car is gone. You are forced to hitchhike back to the Pizza Aid Man's house.

You ask the Pizza Aid Man why he left you behind.

 He says, "I thought that would teach you a lesson."
You: "What lesson?"
The Pizza Aid Man says, "About cooking!"
He: "I think it might have been a little more than a mistake."

The moral of the story:

 Never go against the Kool Aid Man.