EP 504 – Story #1 – Fiddle Diddle – Your name is Fiddle Diddle.

Posted under Episode 504, Story On By Chief

Your name is Fiddle Diddle. One day your dad barges into your room with a bag of live ladybugs.
 "I'm going on the road to make some money, kid," he says. "The economy's bad and we can't afford all the food you've been eating. I'll be gone for two weeks.

You ask your Father, "What are the lady bugs for?"

 He tells you they're aphid eaters, so the ladybugs will take care of the aphids that have taken up residence on the house plants in his room.
He says you'll get to keep some ladybugs, too.

Your father gives you a handful of lady bugs that proceed to eat right in front of him.

 After your father leaves, you watch as the lady bugs devour most of your plants. You throw them out the window but many escape. By the next day, there is hardly anything left except for some dead flowers.

You find Cory from AIPD's sweatpants. His wallet is in the pants.

 The woman who lives in your apartment building has been asking you about someone named Cory. He's a former student at the school, she said.
She asks if you know him. You tell her that he's your father and she runs off.

You sit at lunch looking at your mountain of food and your fathers words haunt you. You think to yourself, "Am I really eating THAT much?"

 and "Will this food really make me happy? Will it fill my stomach and bring joy to my life?"
You start to wonder if your father ever wondered that when he was eating those aphid-ridden plants.

You return home and promise to start a healthy diet immediately.

A couple days later you go into your dad's room and find him on the bed. He says he's sorry he ate your plants. "I've always wanted to try that."
You ask, "What happened to the aphids?"

Your dad begins to sob and admits, "I ate those too, good source of protein..."

You realize now how crazy the aphids must look to you. You remember the plants you found in your own bedroom and feel even guiltier. You throw the aphid-eaten plants outside your window and close it.

You call your best friend and expert exterminator named Bugsy Begoo to handle your aphid problem at home.

Bugsy arrives and tells you to go back to school because the aphids have eaten most of your houseplants. Bugsy then finds all the aphids on your bedroom walls and plants and eats them.

You trust Bugsy alone at your home and go to class. You come home hours later and are shocked to see Bugsy

 inside your room with a huge pile of aphids in his arms.
He tells you that he ate them all, that they were so yummy. You can't believe him. You think that if there was a bug this delicious, surely your father would have eaten it himself.

Your Dad enters also with a huge pile of aphids in his arms. He drops them when he sees you are home early from school.

 "You're never going to believe this. We went on a walk today and found some ladybugs. I thought we could have our own aphid farm!"
The lady bugs get eaten as well by Bugsy, who claims they are aphid eaters too.

You rush to the garage and return to your room with a large bottle of bug repellent.

Your father begs you to stop but you spray the entire room. You notice that Bugsy has retreated to the balcony.
"Where's Bugsy?" you ask.
"He's gone," your father says, "He'll be back for lunch."

You look up at Bugsy who is skittering on the ceiling like a bug himself. His eyes lock with yours and he hisses at you.

"That's it!"  You scream and spray Bugsy again with the bug repellent. "This is my house. My plants. My aphids. Leave my room."
Bugsy begins to scale the wall like a spider and jumps down on top of you and your dad.

You panic and manage to mace Bugsy with the bug spray. His mask falls off, revealing that Bugsy is not human, but actually a

 giant ant.
His stinger pierces your eye and he begins to squeeze your brain.
The last thing you see is Bugsy's antennae dancing happily before you die.
It is morning at the school and you are alone in your classroom.

You think to yourself, "Was it all a horrible nightmare?"

  You rub your eyes and try to get back to sleep.
When you open your eyes once more, you see a cockroach walking around your desk. Your heart skips a beat and you quickly leave the room.

You leave the classroom and see that all the students in your school have been replaced by giant bugs.

They seem to be getting along well enough. They even have an aphid farmer to tend to their needs.
"Where am I?" you ask.
"Don't worry about it," says one of the insects, "you just have to do what we say.

A grasshopper in a leather jacket pulls out a switch blade and leads you outside by the dumpsters. The greaser grasshopper tells you his name is

 Charlie and he tells you to give him the bag of aphids from your father's room.
The aphids fall in a pile on the ground. "Why would you want my dad's aphids?"

Charlie does a rail of aphids that fell on the ground like he is snorting cocaine.

 "These little aphids can make me feel good!  My mom used to take me to these parties where we got high off the aphids!"
He slaps your cheek and you feel something warm.

You rub the warm substance off your face with your hand and see that it is

 another aphid.
You scream in horror when you realize Charlie has bit you. "Those are my aphids!"
"Your aphids? I'll show you what aphids really are," Charlie says and begins sucking the aphids from your stomach and chest.

The moral of the story:

  Don't fuck with a bug or a bee.
You are driving through the countryside and suddenly a grasshopper jumps into the passenger seat of your car. He takes your hand and says, "Do you mind if I drive?"