EP 503 – Story #3 – Greg Moist – You are Greg Moist, heir to the butt bumz fortune. you are 15 minutes late to your salon appointment.

Posted under Episode 503, Story On By Chief

You are Greg Moist, heir to the butt bumz fortune. you are 15 minutes late to your salon appointment. When you get there you tell the stylist that you were late because:
 "My evil aunt and cousin wanted me to do some dirty stuff in exchange for money." The stylist, who has been doing this for years, says she doesn't believe you're a virgin. You say "That's cool, but I am."

You reply, "I'm like my friend, Tony. I keep getting Tonyzoned."

The stylist says "Tony?" with an air of confused pity. She says she thinks that it's best if you don't see her again because she can't do her job well if you aren't willing to be honest.

You open up to your stylist and tell her something about yourself you've never told anyone else:

 that when you were younger you found a pair of panties with your own name written on them in your dad's bathroom drawer. She comforts you, telling you that there is nothing wrong with you because you have a fetish.

You decide to run away from home

 before your parents can catch you. You head back to where the D&D group was meeting, but they're not there. You spot a sign that says 'Welcome Home! We missed you!' so you follow the arrow down to the basement level of the house where you used to live.

There you see your friends in the middle of a ritual. You don't want to disturb them, so you sit back and watch as they

 do their thing.
While they are distracted by the ritual, you slip out of your robe and into your pajamas and walk up behind one of the players. She turns around, shocked to see you naked.

You give her your best romantic pickup line:

 "Hello there, Princess. You must be my new girlfriend!"

She agrees and you are in a long term relationship with Betty. But instead of being happy, Betty is an absolute demon of a women.

 She cheats on you, neglects your needs, and leaves you when the going gets rough.
One night you are walking back from a night club, drunk and stoned. It's dark, you're stumbling through an alleyway when suddenly, you're pulled into a dumpster.

You can't believe your eyes - you have been pulled into the fantasy world that your D&D campaign was based off of!

 There is a huge castle on top of a mountain, with a drawbridge that slowly lowers into place over you as you stand on it, staring at the beautiful princess waiting for you. You can't believe that she's actually here waiting for you.

Barney Rubble, Betty's husband who is pissed off at you, blocks your path.

 He starts swinging his axe at you and you duck away, but then he pulls you into another dumpster and you're forced to play out this game of tag for another hour while you try desperately to escape.

You roll a boulder over Barney.

 It falls on top of him and he's killed. But then, as if by magic, the stone rises up to become the famous character from the show: Stone Age Barney! You shake his hand and thank him, and he introduces himself as a Dungeon Master (DM).

Stone Age Barney tells you that a sickness plagues this land, it is the monster known as

 the "Fluffy." You agree to help them fight the monster. You climb the mountain, but you can't see anything - all you can hear is a voice coming from the darkness saying "What are you doing here?"

You lean in for a kiss with the shadowy figure.

 As your lips touch, you feel yourself lifted off your feet and transported back down to earth, and you find that the stone that fell on Barney had turned into a gigantic rock creature known as a troll, which you are now locked in mortal combat with.

You use the only weapon you have on you, a

 pen.  You poke it into the troll's eyes. It seems to be having an effect because its head jerks back and forth as it tries to dislodge the pen. But then, it comes back and hits you hard.

You respond with a combo punch

: one for Barney, another for the troll.  Your hands glow and your fists explode with force, hitting them both and killing them.
Barney turns back into his human form and thanks you.

You ask Barney how to get back to your own reality.

 He tells you that the only way is through your mind. You must have faith and focus and you will be able to do it.
The troll's corpse begins to crack apart like a piece of plastic.

You see something rise up, it is

 a small box, almost like a puzzle, that has a piece of parchment with your name written on it inside. The box is dark green in color.
"This was all just a dream," you say.

You open the box and see

 a letter that says:
Dear Fred,
Congratulations on escaping! I hope you enjoyed your adventure in my dungeon!
I'm not going to tell you where you can find the pieces to your lost item because, if you want, you could come back for it later.

You look around and realize you are back in your own reality. The first thing you do is

 go home and take a long hot shower. When you're done you sit down at the kitchen table to read your letter.
There is something in there that you have never seen before: a little book that looks like a notebook.

You open it up and read everything that has happened and everything that will happen in the future for you. You turn to the last page and read:

In the event of your death or disappearance, I hereby grant you permission to take any of my monsters into your world.
Good luck and good hunting!
Your best friend,
You put the book back in its place and feel very relieved that you made it


You go pass out onto your bed relieved that you are finally, but then

 you see something on your window sill. It is a beautiful glass orb that appears to be glowing, with the words "Fairy Magic" etched into the glass.
You pick it up and read the inscription:
I am a magical creature.
 Do not let anyone else touch me. I have come to grant you one wish. Use your imagination and your heart to come up with the most creative idea and I will do my best to help you fulfill your dream.

You make your wish for the thing in life that you want most:

 for Barney Rubble to move out of your house and get his own place so you can live there alone. Then you go back to sleep.
When you wake up in the morning, you open the door and hear him packing his things.