EP 499 – Story #3 – You are Mario.

Posted under Episode 499, Story On By Chief

You are Mario. After building up speed for 12 hours, you
 hit the warp pipe and suddenly find yourself on a strange island full of mysterious creatures that look like they belong in the world of Zelda. You meet a frog princess named Zelda, who invites you to participate in the Great Quest.

You agree to join the quest

 and soon find yourself exploring an underwater temple. While inside, you find a mystical sword that is supposed to help you complete the quest.
You go back to the frog princess and tell her about the sword you found in the underwater temple.

The Frog Princess is shocked that you were able to complete the water temple so quickly. It actually makes her suspicious, like somehow you must have cheated.

 She asks you to stay for dinner. She tells you: "We can't let people know what we do here."
After dinner, she takes you into the basement where there are lots of barrels and boxes.

You ask the princess, "What do we do here?"

She replies, "This place is my secret hideout. The last thing we want is some random stranger stumbling upon it."
The princess explains, "I'm not afraid of death, but I don't want anyone finding out where this place is.

You hear from one of the barrel a yelp. You open it and see Sonic, a hedgehog who sounds like Steve Urkel.

Sonic says: "Oh no! What's going on? Did she take me prisoner too?"
Sonic tries to run away, but the princess holds him back with a net. She drags him toward her and begins to question him about your whereabouts.

The princess slaps Sonic so hard that rings come out

 of his cheeks.
After a while, the princess seems satisfied and releases Sonic. He runs off, jumps over a pit and gets impaled by spikes. He dies and disappears.
Satisfied that she knows everything she needs to know, the princess hands you a key and tells you to
 take it to the dungeon.
As you leave the underground castle, you notice that the princess is still waiting for an explanation.
She asks: "Who are you? What do you want with me?"

You tell her

 the truth: "I'm Mario."
The Frog Princess gasps.
You tell her: "And I came to get your sword."
She says, "My sword?! But, why me?"

You drive your sword through the princess and say, "

I've always wanted to kill someone like you."
A nearby owl flies over and says, "I knew that girl was up to no good!"
The frog princess gives you her final words: "Don't tell anyone about this place.

The owl flies away and you follow him to

 an old tree where he reveals that you're not really Mario. You're actually Mario's brother, Luigi!
He then explains:  "My name is not really Owl. My real name is Puff, and I am secretly in league with the princess to kill Mario!"

You ask Puff, "How do you know this and why are telling me?!"

Puff replies, "I don't need to explain myself to you! You are nothing but a shadow of your real brother! Go back to him and live a life of misery!
I will not let you live on my island!"

You decide you must save your brother, Mario.

  You fight your way into the underground castle and find Mario being tortured by Puff.
You quickly free him from the torture chamber and lead him to safety.
Puff calls after you: "I'll get you, Mario!

You hand Puff a picture of Mario dressing up as Cory from AIPD.

"That's Mario!" Puff cries.
"He's the only one who can beat me!"
Mario laughs and says, "Cory can't even defeat a dead hamster."
You then set off to find the treasure room.

You reach the treasure room and find the following treasures:

1)  100 gold coins
2)  A golden book
3)  An evil-looking sword
4)  A crown
5)  An emerald necklace
6)  A magical ring
7)  An ancient pottery bowl
8)  A bag full
 of treasure
You look at the items and realize that you will never be able to carry all of this.
You decide to take only three items.
You grab a magic ring, the gold coin and the ancient pottery bowl.

The ancient pottery bowl has an odd inscription on it, it reads:

You are suddenly struck by the realization that the ancient pottery bowl is enchanted with death magic!
You rush back to Mario and tell him to flee while he still can.

You take the bowl to Puff, your sworn enemy, and make him drink from it.

"You will die!" Puff says. "This evil bowl has cursed you with death!"
"Oh, shut up," Mario replies.
The bowl burns Puff's eyes and he dies instantly.

You look to Mario for words of encouragement, but

 Mario looks as though he's already given up.
You ask Mario, "Will we ever see each other again?"
"No. I am now nothing more than a shadow of my former self."

You say, "Now you know how I've felt my entire life!" And you and Mario embrace in a loving hug.

And that's the end of the game.
A few weeks later, you and your girlfriend, Nicole, are watching television.
Suddenly the TV turns off by itself!
You shout to Nicole, "What the hell happened to the TV?

Nicole yells, "Luigi, it's this damn haunted mansion!"

You run out of the house, followed by your girlfriend and your dog.
You try to calm her down but she's too frightened to listen.
"That was a poltergeist! It's haunted!"

You realize Nicole is eating nachos out of the pottery bowl

 that you had just picked up in the evil mansion.
Nicole begins to choke on the chips.
You quickly pull the bowl from her mouth, but you are unable to stop her from choking on them.

Nicole becomes ghost and you convince her to fight the poltergeist.

But the poltergeist is too powerful and it drags Nicole's body through the wall and disappears.
You begin to sob and run around the house trying to find your girlfriend.
You notice that you've lost your magic ring and all of your money, so now you have no way
 to pay the bills.
You feel like a total failure, and you tell yourself that everything is your fault.
You then hear a voice in your head and it says:
"You're the one who is responsible for Nicole's death.