EP 499 – Story #2 – You are Matman, your alter ego is Spruce Mane.

Posted under Episode 499, Story On By Chief

You are Matman, your alter ego is Spruce Mane. You are a tree by night, a carpet crusher by day. You are currently browsing the best rugs in 1800getarug in New Jersey.
 You are trying to find the perfect rug for your new home.
There are two salespeople standing behind you: a bald man and a pretty woman. The salesman is named Mr. Salesman. He has been selling rugs for forty years, he is very old.

Mr. Salesman sells a rug to bald man, who places it on his head

. When Mr. Salesman turns around to ask if everything's okay, he sees that you've been staring at the pretty woman and she looks really annoyed. She's been waiting for over an hour just to buy a rug and now you're wasting her time.

You decide on a pile of rugs that are drenched in Tony's hair gel.

 This carpet will keep away the bad vibes that Matman can't deal with. But it costs $12,000! The price is too high. You can't afford it.
But you find a smaller rug nearby.

But The Lumberjack, your on again off again nemesis and lover, buys the smaller rug first!

He also spends all your money on fancy suits and expensive shoes.
Matman calls Tony to get his revenge on him but Tony never picks up the phone.

You are a depressed middle-aged man who has recently started living alone in an apartment.

You decide that buying a rug will cure your depression

 because a rug can cover up any mess, and it'll make your life feel like it has a clean start.
The rug is still being sold by Mr. Salesman.
He thinks you are weird and doesn't want to sell you the rug.

You grab Mr. Salesman by the shirt and tell him, "Sell me a rug, or I'll become a thug!"

Mr. Salesman looks scared. He tells you that he can't help you. You put your face close to his face so he can't see you're wearing a rug on your head.


Mr Salesman predicts that you are going bald and being a bald bastard himself he shows you a secret show room filled with the most beautiful rugs in the world. You are stunned by the quality and beauty of these rugs!

 You spend all your money on the rugs and then throw them out into the street.

You are Matman, your alter ego is Spruce Mane. You are a tree by night, a carpet crusher by day.

The woman agrees to go on a date with you, but you have to get home before you turn into a tree

. So you try to hide yourself under a rug and get on the bus. The bus driver stops the bus and demands to know who you are. You answer that you're Matman, but he's not sure what you're talking about.

You take the woman on date to your favorite fast food restaurant:

 Burger King. You order your usual: a double cheeseburger and french fries.
When she takes a sip from her Coke you suddenly see yourself in her glass. You ask her if you can join her for dinner and she tells you that it's no problem at all.

You feel yourself turning into a spruce and quickly lean in for a kiss with the woman.

 Suddenly you transform into a tree. Your date is shocked and terrified. She tries to leave but you block the exit. "Why did you do this?"
You tell her that you've always been different and can't be held down.

You start branching out

 on branches and leaves sprout all over the restaurant. Everyone starts running away except one young girl, who looks like an angel.
She's standing on the ledge of the window and looking out. You rush over to her and plead with her to climb back inside.

The girl reveals herself to be Mother Nature.

 She apologizes for hiding behind her disguise because she wanted to help you, but you were too blind to see how beautiful you are.
Mother Nature pulls the rug from your head, which is now the head of a giant oak tree.

You learn to love yourself rug or no rug.

The moral of the story:

 If you don't accept who you are, you'll never find happiness.