EP 498 – Story #2 – You are Bryan Caulfield, an upper middle class man in search of a premium pooping experience.

Posted under Episode 498, Story On By Chief

You are Bryan Caulfield, an upper middle class man in search of a premium pooping experience.
 You have decided to explore the options available for the "comfort and convenience" that you require for your pooping needs. After much research, you decide on the J&D Upholstery Factory Outlet Store in Torrington, Connecticut as the most cost effective way to get the high quality toilet


Brad, your friend who crapped his pants because he was too lazy to walk to the bathroom, tells you that he doesn't understand your toilet fascination.

You: I know, right?
Brad: So what's so special about these toilets anyway?
You: They're super comfy!
Brad: No shit! They all look the same to me.

You prepare for your trip to Connecticut and hop on the first flight out.

A couple days later, you arrive at the factory outlet store. The first thing you notice is the smell.
It smells like shit! It smells like shit everywhere! It smells like shit in the car lot where they sell new toilets!

You say to some of the locals, "Hey guys, it smells like shit. Has Amber Heard been here recently?"

One of the local men points out that Amber Heard has not been around for over a year.
You: Yeah, well, she did poop her pants here! I saw it on TMZ! I'll pay you $1,000 if you can take a dump on her shoes!

The TMZ reporter hands you a machine that converts nasty bodily substances into ghosts with average human intelligence.

 You then proceed to shoot a load in the reporter's shoe.
Brad: Whoa, dude! Did you just do that!?
You: Yep, sure did. That's a cool ghost, Brad.

You realize you have just summoned the ghost of

 a celebrity poop shaker, Amber Heard, so you try to flee back to your home state.
Brad: Why? What's going on?
You: I can't really talk about it, but Amber Heard has come to kill me!

You cannot sleep knowing Amber Heard is coming for you. You need to to take action and head to the one place you know Amber Heard will never go:

 a toilet factory outlet store.
Brad: But, Bryan, she knows we're here!
You: Yes, I know, but this is the only place she won't think to go, plus the ghosts will protect us!

You look around and see a crew of ordinary ghosts:

 Bob, Joe, Frank, and Mike.
Bob: So, who are you?
Joe: I don't know.
Mike: I'm Mike.
Frank: You're Bryan Caulfield!

You realize these are the ghosts of

 the local factory workers who died during the factory's recent renovation. They are not all powerful or particularly wise.
You: Yeah, that's right. Now let's get some protection from those asshole celebrities!

Amber Heard finally approaches, but you are ready! You have booby trapped the entire toilet factory with ghost traps.

She is immobilized. She must wait to be rescued by the other ghosts.
Mike: Well, how about that?
Joe: Man, it's weird having so much shit coming out of my ass!

You realize the mud slide of ghost diarrhea gives Amber Heard immense poop shaking power! She easily frees herself from the trap and charges right at you!

Bob: Hey, hold it right there, bitch!
Frank: Oh no! Don't do this, man!
Joe: Do what?
Bob: Shoot me in the balls!
You pull out your pistol and fire.

You shoot Bob the ghost right in the balls and miraculously

 hit him dead center.
The bullet flies through the air, bounces off a rock, and smacks Amber Heard in the forehead. She falls unconscious.
Frank: Shit! I shoulda shot her in the taint!

You don't know exactly how that worked, but Amber Heard is finally defeated. You tell Bob, "Thanks! You really saved my ass... speaking of ass, do any of you guys know about a premium pooping experience I could look into?"

Bob: The toilet factory.
You realize he means the J&D Upholstery Factory Outlet Store.
Brad: Yeah, I was just about to say that!
Joe: That's what we were talking about!

You march straight for J&D Upholstery Factory Outlet Store and take a shit on the most well know toilet in the world.

The ghost of George Clooney comes down and asks to use the bathroom.
You: Sure! Go ahead.
George Clooney walks inside, sits down, and starts taking a big shit.