EP 497 – Story #1 – You are Badonkus Meyers, a stock broker.

Posted under Episode 497, Story On By Chief

You are Badonkus Meyers, a stock broker. You've made millions trading on the stock market, but since the market crashed you desperately need money and are now cleaning toilets at the Flying J Travel Center in Vandalia, Ohio
 while searching for a job that will let you use your financial expertise to make more money.
Your name is Badonkus Meyers. Your parents named you after your grandfather, who was also named Badonkus, because they wanted their son to be just like him: a man of strong moral
 fiber, who could always be counted upon to do what he thought right, even if it was unpopular or against his own self-interest. Although you were born into great wealth, you were raised by your father's family;
 your mother died when you were young, and you have no memory of her. But you know one thing about your mother: she loved you very much, and she would have done anything for you... except cheat on your father.

> You have a rough day at work after a spoiled burrito stand at the airport gives everyone explosive diarhea.

When you arrive home at the Flying J Travel Center in Vandalia, Ohio, you're shocked to find out there is an outbreak of food poisoning at the Airport Burger Shack across from the terminal building.

Your supervisor compares the accident to a mud slide and asks you to clean it up ASAP!

You go to the bathroom where you find several passengers sickened by diarrhea. One passenger is coughing and vomiting onto the floor. The others are still standing around, holding their stomachs and moaning.
You vomit as well and then realize you need to take care of these people.

You help Lester, a guy who craps himself whenever he eats anything.

 While helping him clean up his mess, he tells you what happened. "I ate some chili from this hot dog stand," says Lester, "and I must admit, it looked good enough to eat."

You realize how hopeless it is to clean everything while people continue to pile into the bathroom. You decide to go confront the hot dog stand owner who you are shocked is still selling the tainted food!

The hot dog stand is busy serving customers, so you wait until the line dies down.
Then you approach the vendor, who looks like a kid with acne. He has a small mustache and wears a blue baseball cap turned sideways on his head.

You demand that he stop selling this food.

"But it's not my fault!" cries the boy.
"It's your responsibility," you say.
"How?" says the vendor. "I don't even know what happened here."

You point to the bathroom and show him the horrors that his tainted food has caused.

He laughs at you. "Oh my god, it's a big joke! It's not like anyone got hurt! Besides, I'm gonna get sued, I tell you. This is crazy!"

This makes you very angry and you scream at the hot dog vendor:

 "Shut up and listen to me! You are responsible for your actions! When someone buys a meal from you, they trust you to sell them safe food. And you sold contaminated food to these people!
 Now you have to clean up your mess!"
The vendor looks frightened and tries to run away, but you grab him by the collar. "Listen to me!" you command. "Someone has to pay for this!


You force the hot dog vender to clean up the mess and everyone at the airport cheers for you!

Afterwards, you talk to Lester.
"I guess we did our part," says Lester. "Now it's time for us to leave."
Lester leads you back to the parking lot.

You tell Lester to take it easy and Lester gives you a heartfelt speech:

 "Thanks for everything! Thanks for sticking up for me! I'll never forget this!"
While you watch Lester drive off, you feel happy and proud. Finally, you think, things are going to get better.

The next day you are fired.

Your boss blames you for the food poisoning incident and says that you should be ashamed for not stopping the vendor from selling contaminated food.
You try to explain, but your boss just can't understand why you didn't stop him.

You take what little money you saved and invest it all in bitcoin.

Then you open a new account with Coinbase.com, and buy as many bitcoins as you can afford.
Bitcoin is the future, you tell yourself. And you're right. Bitcoin prices skyrocket over the next few years, and you become very rich.

You use your money to get petty revenge on the hot dog vendor:

 you hire a hitman to kill him.
The other vendors and airport employees will never let you forget what you've done, but you don't care.
You are Badonkus Meyers.

You talk to the top airport hitman in the world:

 Big Lou.
"Hello, Mr. Meyers," says Big Lou.
"Yes, hello," you answer.
"What can I do for you today?"
"I want you to kill this hot dog vendor," you say.
 "His name is Lester."
Big Lou nods.
"Do you know where he lives?" asks Big Lou.
"No, but I found out which country he comes from," you say.
 "I bought a few kilograms of uranium from a dealer in Mongolia. I made a nuke bomb and now I am going to use it to kill Lester."
Big Lou looks at you, stunned.

Big Lou asks what he is needed for and you explain

 your plan.
"Okay," says Big Lou after a moment. "If you make sure to follow my instructions exactly, I'll do the job for free."
A week later, you drop the suitcase containing the nuke bomb off outside Lester's house.

Lester triggers the bomb and then

 dies instantly.
You leave the house and enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside.
One month later, you receive an email from a lawyer in New York City.
"I represent the family of Lester," writes the attorney.

You go to court and plea your case.

 Your defense attorney explains that you were suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and that you acted in self-defense.
"You are innocent of any wrongdoing," says the judge.
The jury finds you not guilty.

The moral of the story:

 if you are willing to do something illegal, you could end up very, very rich.
You are a mercenary and you fight for money.
You have no friends nor family. You live alone and work long hours.