EP 493 – Story #3 – You are Bertram Hill, an alchemist living in the 11th century.

Posted under Episode 493, Story On By Chief

You are Bertram Hill, an alchemist living in the 11th century. You want to create gold, but your latest experiment goes terribly wrong when you try to mix

 copper and lead together!
After a long search through the castle, you find yourself in front of a secret door that leads into the laboratory. The books on the shelves contain recipes for turning lead into gold or silver.

You keep trying new combinations like: a human liver and a rock from an active volcano.

 But none of these have worked so far. Maybe you'll get lucky today?
The book on the shelf reads "The Alchemical Laboratory." It's one of only two books written by the famous alchemist Nicholas Flamel.

You get desperate and try pressing the big red button in your laboratory.

"Ah!" says the voice that comes out of nowhere. "It seems I am speaking with myself again."
There is a big splash as something enters the room. It looks like a very large frog.

The large frogs sit atop a pile of Cory from AIPD's suits.

 They start jumping around and fighting each other over the suit's suits.
One of them holds up a sign that reads "HELP US!"
They're the ones who used to work at the alchemists' guild before they were fired.

You ask the frog, "what's the recipe for gold?" and the frog responds:

"Take a dead dragon's heart and mix it with the tears of a virgin girl."
"A dead dragon's heart?" You say, "I don't even know where to begin searching for such a thing."

You post an ad seeking a dragon's heart on ye olde Facebook Marketplace

"Hurry!" cries the frog. "We haven't got much time left!"
You look inside the alchemy lab and notice some strange writing on the wall.
It says:
"If you would be truly free, follow me.
To the depths of despair, we shall go."
You open the secret door behind the frog and find yourself standing in a long corridor. The walls are covered in glowing runes that seem to be calling your name.

You follow the glowing runes and suddenly are face to face with a sleeping dragon!

You realize you have found what you were looking for.
Dragon's blood is an ingredient in the alchemical recipe. You take several vials of this liquid and return back to the Alchemist's Guild.

You invite a virgin over to watch "Marley and Me," then harvest her tears at the end of the movie.

You also use the blood of the dragon to make a potion that will turn your lead into gold. But there's still one more step.
You need a pure source of energy to power the alchemical process.

You know exactly where to find a pure source of energy:

 AIPD headquarters.
Your plan works, and soon you've made yourself a nice pile of gold coins.
Now it's time to celebrate! You buy yourself a new set of clothes, then walk through the streets of Paris to meet up with your good friend, Dr. Winneb
He's waiting outside of the restaurant with his wife, June.
You order a drink and tell him about your successful experiment. He tells you about his experiences as a spy.

Dr. Winnebago begs you for loan to start his mobile home business, but you laugh in his face and instead invest your gold coins in

 a startup company called Airbnb.
You leave the restaurant and go back to your lab. There's only one thing left to do: Create an exact copy of yourself, so you can live forever.
You can choose to clone yourself now.

Hundreds of years pass and you've cloned yourself countless generations. You are staying in a very high tier expensive AirBNB when you accidentally spill the dragon blood on the carpet.

You wake up from your slumber and realize that you've been asleep for hundreds of years.
You try to escape, but are caught by AIPD and taken back to the alchemists' guild.