EP 491 – Story #2 – You are Bob and you are terrified of spiders.

Posted under Episode 491, Story On By Chief

You are Bob and you are terrified of spiders. You need to poop but there is a big disgusting spider in your bathroom.
 What do you do?"
"I don't know," I said, "but it must be terrible."
She laughed.
"It's not that bad! It's just a little spider!"
I couldn't believe it. She was being so nice about this. The truth was I didn't want to hear her say anything nice about spiders. I hated them. They were evil.
 You panic push the big red button labeled "In case of Spiders, PRESS THIS" and then 
icky spiders come out of nowhere and you're dead. They were going to kill me! All because I had a tiny run-in with one of those horrible creatures.
"Okay," I said, trying to sound as cool as possible. "What do you do if you see a spider that isn't a big scary monster that will kill you?"
You wake up in hospital and see Nuke Nukem, the atomic exterminator, standing over you and handing you a business card. Without even looking at his information, you hire Nuke Nukem to take care of your spider problem.
 He arrives, kills all the spiders, and leaves with a smile on his face. What did he say when he left?
"That'll be $1, 000."
"If only it could have been like that," she said.
"Yeah," I agreed. "But I'm still alive."
"I'm glad," she replied.
 You see your girlfriend is swooning over Nuke Nukem. You realize you do not have $1000 and you notice a poster advertising adult diapers that are sponsored by AIPD. You decide to visit AIPD and offer to model for the adult diapers for $1000. They agree and you are the star of a nationwide adult diaper campaign with the slogan: 
"Don't Let Your Fear Hold You Back. Buy Adult Diapers from AIPD Today!" What is your next move?
"Oh, Nuke Nukem would never let me down," I said.
"He's really good at what he does."
"Exactly. He knows how to handle himself. He can get the job done."
"So what happens now?"
You pay Nuke Nukem, but he is still hanging out with you and your girlfriend. He notices you from the diaper ads and mocks you by saying, "
Hey baby, I think we're going to need some more diapers." What do you say?
"Nuke Nukem, would you please leave us alone?"
"No way," he says. "This is my gig. I'm here to take care of you. That means I'm here to take care of you and your girlfriend too."
"Leave us alone!"
You realize you have to out man Nuke Nukem if you want to keep your girlfriend from leaving you. You decice to sign up for the manliest event in town: 
a mud wrestling competition. You enter and win the entire thing. The prize is a free night with your girlfriend. What happens after the mud wrestling contest?
"Nuke Nukem, please go away before you ruin everything."
"I've got other plans tonight," he replies.
"What kind of plans?"
Nuke Nukem pulls out an big bucket of spiders and tells you he is going to eat the whole thing. You can tell your girlfriend is impressed by this and you volunteer to eat an even larger bucket of bigger spiders. A small crowd gathers outside around you to watching the spectacle as you and Nuke gobble down spiders.
 What happens next?
"I can't believe you ate that whole bucket of spiders," your girlfriend says.
"I told you I could get the job done."
"And I believed you," she replies.
"Thanks," I said.
"I guess I should thank you too. You saved my life."
"Not exactly," I said.
 You watch Nuke dejectedly get into his dirty extermination van and ride off defeated. This is the best night of your life! You go home and your girlfriend makes sweet love to you.
 You kiss her passionately and she asks you to marry her. What do you say?
"Yes, of course!"
"Thank you," she says. "I love you."
"I love you too," I said.
"I have something for you."
"What is it?"
"A ring."
You reach inside your pocket from the ring, but instead pull out a big wad of spiders!
 You scream and throw up.
"What happened?"
"I swallowed all those spiders!"
"Oh no! Are you okay?"
"Yes," you say. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Well, I guess there's nothing else I can do for you," she says. "Good luck."
You angrily storm over to Nuke Nukem's house and demand a full refund as you house is still filled with spiders! Nuke refuses and you challenge him to a fight.
Your girlfriend comes running over and begs you to stop. She is afraid of spiders and doesn't want any part of this.
"Please don't hurt him," she pleads.
"I won't," you reply. "Just listen to me.
If I beat you, I'll give you back your money. But if you beat me, I will kill you."
"No!" she screams.
"It's the only way," you say.
"No! Please don't!"
She runs over to Nuke Nukem and starts screaming at him.
"Why did you do this to me?" she asks.
 You know he will kill you, but you win the fight anyway. Your girlfriend with tears in her eyes asks, "Why!?" and you grin and say, "
Because I am the manliest man on earth!"
"You're a psycho," she says. You run over to Nuke Nukem and stab him with your knife. He falls to the ground dead. You look at your girlfriend and ask, "Do you want me to clean up the mess?"
"NO!" she says.
"Okay," you say.