EP 491 – Story #1 – You are Richy Bitch, a guy who tries to solve all his problems with money.

You are Richy Bitch, a guy who tries to solve all his problems with money. The ten biggest issues in your life are:

1) You're poor.
2) Your parents got divorced, and you hate your dad.
3) You have a crush on this girl named Debbie. She's not interested.
4) You think that the world is gonna end soon because of some ancient Mayan prophecy.
5) A giant asteroid is about to hit the Earth.
 
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6) You've just been fired from your job.
7) You lost your virginity to an ugly chick.
8) Your best friend is a nerd.
9) You lost your virginity to a hot chick.
10) You don't know what to do with your life.
So, you go out and spend $400 bucks at a strip club.
 You go to your favorite strip club called 
 "Pussy Palace." You get so drunk you can hardly stand up. Then, you start talking to this stripper you like. She asks you if you want her to take off her top. You say yes. You take off your shirt. She takes off her bra. You take off your pants. She takes off her panties. You take off your socks.
 A bouncer notices you stripping and firmly tells you, "Only the girls can strip, put your clothes on or I will throw you out! AND NO TOUCHING!"

You leave Pussy Palace feeling really shitty.
The next day, you call Debbie and tell her how much you liked it when she took off her top. She says she'd love to meet you for lunch. You meet her at a restaurant. You order two hamburgers and a Coke. While you're eating your hamburger, she talks about how much she hates her father.
 The check arrives and you attempt to pay for lunch with your AIPD lunchbox full of Ugandan Dollars.
 She says no way, you should pay. She gets her wallet out and pays for lunch. After lunch, you ask her back to your place for some dessert. She agrees. You take her home. You take off her top again. You take off your pants again. You take off your socks again. You take off your underwear again. You take off your shoes again.
 Debbie puts her clothes on top of a large pile of Cory from AIPD's clothes which is in your living room.
 You take off your own clothes.
Then, you go to bed.
When you wake up in the morning, you realize that you're still naked.
It's Sunday.
Your mother comes into your bedroom, looks at you, and screams, "What the fuck happened? Did you have sex with someone?"
"No," you reply.
 Debbie exits the bathroom naked and says, "Getting naked was great, but I need to pick up my kids from high school. Next toots!" Debbie give you a pat on the shoulder and leaves.
 You fall asleep again. When you wake up, you notice something weird...
You're half-naked.
And, there's a note on your pillow. It reads: "Dear Richy Bitch, Sorry I had to leave without saying goodbye. I'm sure we'll see each other again some time. Love, Debbie." 
You wake and and are immediately confronted by your mom who yells, "it's Sunday! dammit we're Mormon, if we don't go to church today we have to spend 25 years in Mormon Jail!"

"Mom, wait..." you whine. "I have to go to work today too. Oh and, I don't have any clothes!"
"Well, you can borrow one of my dresses. They're all the same anyway. And, you better get dressed right now before your dad finds out!"
So, you put on one of your mom's dresses. You look good.
 You go to work in your mother's dress and you receive a surprise visit from Mormon Jesus.
 He tells you that your mother has gone to Mormon Jail for lying about going to church. He also tells you that he wants you to sign a contract promising never to masturbate again. If you break this promise, you will be sent to Mormon Jail where you will be forced to eat the flesh of your dead relatives until you die of starvation.
 You attempt to bribe Mormon Jesus with 
 "Ugandan Dollars" but he refuses to accept them. He then threatens to send you to Mormon Hell instead.
After signing the contract, your boss, Mr. Bigshot tells you that he has made you a partner in his company. You are very excited.
That night, after work, you go to a bar called "Pussy Palace." You drink lots of beer.
 You are sweating and resisting the urge to look at the girls on stage. You cannot break the contract, but you want to look so bad.
 You are beginning to feel like a loser.
While you're drinking beer, you see a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. She has big tits and a nice ass. Her name is Debbie. She's wearing a red bikini.
"Hey, Debbie," you yell. "How come you never wear your bikini top?"
Debbie replies, "My boobs aren't that great.
 Mormon Jesus walks in the bar and sees you talking to Debbie.
 
He punches you in the face and throws you out of the bar. You get up and run away.
Later that night, you go to sleep.
When you wake up, you see a note on your pillow. It reads: "Dear Richy Bitch, Thanks for coming over last night. I hope we can do it again sometime. Love, Debbie."