EP 490 – Story #3 – You are Damien Dwight, a toy maker who wants to teach children about clown safety through toys.

Posted under Episode 490, Story On By Chief

You are Damien Dwight, a toy maker who wants to teach children about clown safety through toys. Your latest product the buzz button has an unusual defect: 
 when pressed it makes a strange buzzing sound and causes a small explosion."
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Dwight.
"You do now," said the voice on the other end of the phone. "My name is Mr. Smith. I am calling from the FBI. We have been watching your company for some time.
 You hear a knock at your office door. It is The Man, who refuses to wear glasses properly.
 He says he needs to talk to you about your business practices. When you open the door there is a loud bang, and your office explodes. The Man is nowhere to be seen."
Dwight hung up the phone and sat back in his chair. His eyes were wide with disbelief. What was this? Some kind of practical joke? But then he thought again.
 You do not heed the FBI's warnings and invent a new toy - a Jason from AIPD action figure that can say the following phrases:
 "I'm Jason! I'm coming for you!" "This isn't over, Jason!" and "Jason's gonna getcha!"
And then he remembered the man he had seen in the alleyway last night. He had not been wearing a mask or a wig. And there had been something familiar about him. Dwight knew him. He had met him before.
 You get a ton of angry letters and calls about your newest toy, some of the most scathing remarks were: 
 "Why does my son have to play with a doll that looks like a little girl?" and "Does anyone else think it is creepy that this doll's eyes follow them around the room?" Well, Dwight did.
He got up from his desk and walked over to the window. Outside he could see two men standing near a black van, which was parked across the street.
 One of the men near the van you recognize as Buzz Lightbeer.

"Buzz Lightbeer!" exclaimed Dwight.
"Yes, sir," said the man sitting next to him.
"What are they doing here?" asked Dwight.
"They are waiting for you," replied the man named Smith.
"For me?"
"They want to talk to you about your business practices."
You instinctively run away as fast as you can. The men chase you in their van. You are trapped in an alley as the two men in the van confront you. You scream in terrror, "What do you want?! Are you with the FBI?"

"We are with the CIA," said the man sitting next to Buzz Lightbeer.
"CIA?!" you scream. "Are you guys nuts?! This is ridiculous!"
The men laugh. "No, we are serious," says one of the men.
"Then why are you dressed like this?" you ask.
"Because we need to look scary.
 They are dress like 
 clowns. We will scare them off if we look scary enough."
"Scare them off? How do you plan to do that?"
"We will blow up the building where they are hiding," says Buzz Lightbeer.
"Oh yeah?" says Dwight. "How are you going to do that?"
"Easy," says Buzz Lightbeer.
 You hear a helicopter overhead and look up to see Arnold Schwarzenegger dual wielding rocket launchers yelling like a maniac.
 He turns to the two men in the van and yells, "Get out of our way!"
"But..." begins one of the men.
"No buts! Get out of our way!" orders Schwarzenegger.
"But..." continues the second man.
"Listen up," says Schwarzenegger, "you are all under arrest."
Both men begin to cry.
 40 clowns jump out of the helicopter with him and greet you.
 As they enter the alleyway, they shout, "Clowns rule!" and start chasing after you.
"Wait!" cries Dwight. "Where are you taking me? I will give you anything you want! Just stop!"
"Shut up!" shouts one of the clowns. "We will take you to our leader."
"Leader?" exclaims Dwight.
 Arnold and the gaggle of clowns take you to their leader: 
 Ronald McDonald.
"Hi, Ronald," says Dwight.
"Hello, Dwight," replies Ronald.
"Is that really you?" asks Dwight.
"Of course," replies Ronald.
"I've heard so much about you," says Dwight.
"So have I," replies Ronald.
"What happened to the other clowns?" asks Dwight.
"Didn't they believe you would come back?"
"No, they didn't," replies Ronald.
"Well, I'm glad you came back," says Dwight.
"Me too," replies Ronald.
"Ronald, how did you get here?" asks Dwight.
"We flew here," replies Ronald.
"Wow! That's pretty cool," says Dwight.
 Ronald finally tells you that you have been brought here to make toys for Happy Meals. "And what if I refuse?", you say.

"Then we will kill you," says Ronald.
"That's not very nice," says Dwight.
"It's not my fault. It's Ronald's fault. He wanted us to kill you when you refused," says Ronald.
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asks Dwight.
"You're supposed to make toys," replies Ronald.
 You begin making toys and work 18 hour days with no breaks. You make a toy that is able to dance SOS in morse code, it is a Dancing 
 Robot. You also make a toy that has a built-in karaoke machine, it sings songs by Celine Dion. After working on these toys for several months, you are exhausted. You decide to go home.
You arrive at your house, only to find it empty. You call out for your wife, but she doesn't answer.
 You rush up to the bedroom worried about what the clowns might have done! You open the door to your bedroom and see 
 your wife lying on the bed dead. She looks as though her throat had been slit. A note falls out of her hand and lands on the floor.
"Dwight, I love you," reads the note.
"Who killed her?" asks Dwight.
"One of the clowns did," replies Ronald.
"Why?" asks Dwight.
"She was my wife!"
"She was a bad person," explains Ronald. "She used to tell me how horrible you were behind your back. She hated you because you made fun of her weight."
"I never-" begins Dwight.
"Don't lie to me!" screams Ronald. "I know you didn't mean any harm." 
You make a commemorative happy meal toy to honor your wife's death: a 
 Teddy Bear with a knife sticking out of its head.
After making the toy, you go to the hospital to visit your son who is suffering from leukemia. The doctor tells you that he hasn't been getting better. Dwight is devastated. He visits his son every day and talks to him. One night, Dwight hears his son crying.
 You dance to "My Heart Will Go On"
 by Celine Dion and feed your son an ice cream cone. 
The ice cream cone miraculously cures his leukemia and he vows to get revenge on the clowns the killed Mommy. You and your son form a Father Son Hit Squad and nickname yourself 
 The Biker Boys.
Your father calls you into his office. "Son, I think it's time you went away for awhile," says your dad.
"Dad, why?" asks Dwight.
"Because we need to protect you," says your dad.
"Protect me from what?" asks Dwight.
"From the clowns," says your dad.