EP 490 – Story #1 – You are Carl Magnusson, you wake up feeling hungover.

Posted under Episode 490, Story On By Chief

You are Carl Magnusson, you wake up feeling hungover. You were out drinking last night and don't remember anything. When you turn on the lights you notice that there is a penguin standing in your room.
 It looks at you with one eye and then walks over to your bed and lays down next to you.
"What's going on?" you ask it.
It says "Hello."
"Is this some kind of joke? Who put you here?"
The penguin doesn't answer.
"Why did you come into my room?"
You look on your nightstand and see a 48 pack of beer that your friend, Jason, bought for you.
 "I can't believe he would do something like this!" you say as you grab the first beer. The penguin doesn't move or make any noise.
"What am I supposed to do with you?" you ask.
It just stands there looking at you with the same one eye.
You sit up and take another swig of beer.
 You say to the penguin, "hey penguin, my wife wouldn't like that your in our bed!"

You finish off the beer and throw it on the floor.
"Fuck it," you say.
You get out of bed and go to the bathroom. You stand naked in front of the mirror and look yourself over. Your hair is messy and you have bags under your eyes. You look like shit.
 You slap some water on your face and try to wake up, but the penguin is still there in your bed!

"Who the hell put you here?"
You walk back to your bedroom and see the penguin has got out of bed and now is sitting on the edge of the bed staring at you.
"Did you do this?" you yell at it.
It doesn't respond.
"What do you want?" you ask it.
"To play with you," it replies.
 You see an object in the Penguin's hands, it is a
 ball and it keeps bouncing on its feet.
You wonder what the fuck it wants from you.
"Hey you little bastard, what do you think you're doing?" you scream at it.
It stops playing with the ball and looks at you.
"Do you want to play with me?" it asks again.
 It throws the ball at you and on the ball is written: "
Play With Me." There is also a picture of two people playing basketball.
You pick up the ball and read the message. You throw the ball back to the penguin and tell him to play by himself. He just stares at you and doesn't move.
"Jesus Christ, what the hell do you want?" you ask him.
He just stares at you and smiles.
 You humor the penguin and head to the baseketball hoop in your driveway. The penguin waddles behind you and meets you in the driveway prepared to dunk.

You wait for the penguin to jump and then swat the ball away.
The penguin jumps and you watch as the ball sails through the air and lands in the basket. You laugh hysterically because the penguin is such a bad player.
The penguin goes to retrieve the ball.
You grab it from his hand and throw it into the street.
 A city bus runs over the ball and pops it.

"FUCK YOU!!!" you yell at the penguin.
The penguin starts to cry.
You kick him in the ass and watch him fall to the ground.
"I'm sorry," you say to him.
The penguin gets back up and starts walking towards you.
"What the hell do you want?" you ask him.
 The penguin shows you another picture, this one is of you and 
your wife having sex.
Your knees start to shake.
"I know you're fucking her," the penguin says.
You say nothing and stare at the penguin.
"She's cheating on me," the penguin says.
"I didn't do anything," you reply.
"Yes you did! She told me all about it!"
You ask him what happened last night and the penguins tells you 
that he came home drunk and found your wife in bed with someone else.
"I don't understand why she would do that to me," you say.
"Because you're a loser," the penguin tells you.
"That's not true," you say.
"Yes it is!
 The penguins goes on to say 
that you are never around and when you are you spend most of your time playing video games. He tells you that you never even take her out anymore.
"I've tried to talk to her, but she won't listen to me," you tell the penguin.
"Then leave her!" the penguin says.
You realize that the penguin is right.
 You get divorced and watch as the penguin takes your ex wife to Vegas to get hastily married. You try to be happy, but you can't help but feel like you were tricked!
 You feel used.
Now you are alone with the penguin.
"Why did you bring me here?" you ask the penguin.
"So you could learn something," the penguin says.
"What do you mean?" you ask.
"Think about it," the penguin says.
You stare at the penguin waiting for him to continue.
 You wonder why the penguin took you to the driving range.
 You wonder if the penguin has been following you around. You wonder if the penguin knows everything about you and your life.
"I'm going to teach you how to live," the penguin says.
"How am I supposed to do that?" you ask.
"You'll figure it out," the penguin says.
 Two beautiful busty woman approach you and the Penguin and ask what your plans for the rest of the night are. The Penguins speaks up and says 
that he will take them both to dinner.
"I'll go too," you say.
The women look at you and smile.
"No thanks," they say.
"Come on," the penguin says. "We'll have fun together."
They both turn their heads and look at each other. They agree to come with you and the penguin.
 You take them to your favorite restaurant: 
Fatburger. After you order your food the women lean in close to you and whisper in your ear.
"We're going to make you pay for this," one of them says.
"What do you mean?" you ask.
"We're going to fuck your brains out," the other one says.
"Who are you?" you ask.
 You pay for dinner and then marry both of the girls. The penguin officiates your double wedding and gives a speech 
congratulating you on your new family.
"This is my family now," you tell the penguin.
The penguin nods his head and says: "Welcome to my world."
"Are you ready to learn?" the penguin asks.
"Yeah," you say.
"Good," the penguin says. "You need to learn how to survive." 
The penguin hands you a book: 
How To Survive Anywhere. The penguin explains that you need to find a place where no one will find you. Then you need to build a shelter using only the materials that you find in nature.
"It's not that hard," the penguin says. "Take some branches and use them to make a teepee. It doesn't matter if it's big or small.
 You finally realize that this penguin is just a homewrecker!

You run away from the penguin and into the woods.
You find a nice clearing in the forest. There is a small stream running through the clearing.
You set up camp, build a fire, and cook your dinner.
 You spend all day building your camp when suddenly the Kool Aid Man bursts through your shelter and yells, "Oh yeah!"

"Holy shit!" you yell. "What the hell is going on?"
"I heard you talking about survival and stuff," the Kool Aid Man replies. "So I thought I'd give you some tips. You should probably avoid trees because they can fall on you and crush you."
"Thanks," you say.