EP 487 – Story #2 – You are Dave, a guy doing an internship in 2085.

Posted under Episode 487, Story On By Chief

You are Dave, a guy doing an internship in 2085. While cleaning the lab one night, you get bored and decide to stick your boner in the cloner. You start to feel something... but it's not quite right.
"The next day, you're at work when your boss says that he has some bad news. The lab is being shut down. All of you will be laid off."
Dave felt his heart sink. He sat there, stunned. "But I just got here!" he shouted. You ask why the lab is being shut down even though you suspect it is your fault. Your boss explains that the company lost a lot of money in the last few years due to the rise of synthetic drugs. They thought they could make up for it by cloning humans, but the market isn't ready yet.
"They made this place so fancy," said Dave. "I can't believe they're closing it. What am I going to do?"The press comes to checkout the lab before it closes down and notice the cloner is filled with boners! This makes national news and people around the world want their boners cloned! You have saved the lab and started a new Boner Cloner business which you call BonerClone Inc.
"We've been working on a new type of cloner," said your boss. "It's called the 'Boner Cloner 2000' and it'll allow you to clone a boner anywhere you want! This means you could clone a boner on top of Mount Everest or under the sea!"
You sell out your stock immediately and buy a boat! You name the boat the SS BonerClone and sail across the ocean to Antarctica. There is no land on this side of the earth, and you need a place to test your new cloner. You figure Antarctica would be the perfect place because there aren't any people there. You walk into a cave and find a boner inside. It looks like it was pulled from a glacier. You know what to do. You clone a caveman boner and are shocked when the caveman boner starts talking!
"Who are you?" asked the caveman boner.
You introduce yourself as Dave, the owner of BonerClone Inc. The caveman boner tells you that his name is Ted. He then asks if you are the man who stole his boner. You say yes and explain that you needed a sample to improve the cloner. Ted tells you all about ancient times. He tells you about how he used to live in a village with other cavemen. One day, a group of scientists came to his village and gave him a new kind of food. He loved it so much that he decided to go to the city to see if he could find more. That's when he lost his boner. Ted tells you that he never found another boner after that. You tell Ted that if he never lost his boner, they wouldn't be talking now! You tell Ted the world would love to hear what he says. You bring Ted back to America and he gives a long speech on National TV: "My name is Ted. I'm a caveman. I'm over 100, 000 years old and I'm still alive! I went to the city once and I lost my boner. I never found another one. But I'm glad I did! Because without my boner, I never would have met Dave and become friends. You lean in for a kiss with Ted. He kisses you back, but his lips don't feel like yours. It feels like someone else's mouth. It's weird. You pull away and look at Ted. His face is covered in blood. Then you realize that his boner is missing. You scream and run out of the room. You run outside and try to get help, but everyone is dead. Everyone except you. Why? You realize Ted is attempting you take over your body and killed everyone that might try to stop him! You hear Ted's voice in your mind say "Now you will die as well."
Ted takes control of your body and begins to kill everyone. The police arrive and shoot Ted. He falls to the ground, but continues to fight. The cops start shooting again, but Ted gets up and grabs a gun. He points it at the cop and shoots him in the head. You realize what you have to do, you use the boner cloner to create a personal army of your boners to fight Ted. You send them to attack Ted. They smash through his defenses and beat him to death. A crowd gathers and cheers. You tell them to get rid of Ted's body. They bury it deep underground. You stand on the mound of dirt and tell the crowd that you will continue to work hard to keep the world safe from terrorists.
After the funeral, Dave goes home. You realize the danger of cloning boners and decide that humanity is not yet ready for boner cloner technology. You set fire to the lab and all of your prototypes. When you wake up the next morning, you begin to cry. You think about all of the time you spent trying to clone a boner and the many people who died along the way. You think about the caveman boner you almost kissed, but couldn't because it wasn't your boner. You wonder what happened to it. Maybe it got lost during the battle.