EP 487 – Story #1 – You are Graham Whittaker, a millionaire playboy with a shameful, dark secret: one of your toes is vestigial and it makes you highly insecure.

Posted under Episode 487, Story On By Chief

You are Graham Whittaker, a millionaire playboy with a shameful, dark secret: one of your toes is vestigial and it makes you highly insecure. It's the heat of summer and a group of your friends decide to take a surfing trip to the beach.
At first you're excited, but then you realize that they're all better surfers than you. You're not even sure if you can stand up on a board. But as the day wears on, you get more and more confident in yourself. You finally stand up on your board and ride the waves!
But when you get back to shore, your friends are waiting for you.You put on Cory from AIPD's slick tuxedo and confused everyone at the beach. They think you're a celebrity from Hollywood and they're all starstruck by you.
The next morning you wake up to a knock on your door. It's the police. The FBI has been watching you for weeks now. They've found your secret toe and they want to talk to you about it.
You tell them everything.The FBI grills you about your toe and you try to change the subject by saying, "Look at all those ducks climbing the ladders. Let's chase them, and start a duck zoo."But the FBI isn't having any of it. They know you're lying. They know you don't have a secret toe. And they're going to arrest you.
* * *
You're in front of a judge who says, "Mr. Whittaker, I have heard enough. You are guilty of fraud, grand theft, and attempted murder."You through down a grenade that can turn itself invisible. It blows up right before the judge's eyes. He drops dead.
Your lawyer comes out and tells you what happened. She says, "I'm afraid we have no choice. We must appeal this case to the Supreme Court."
A few days later, you're sitting in front of the Supreme Court. Your lawyer hands over a file and says, "This is the evidence against Mr.a woman who can really enlarge your text ;)
"The justices look at the file and shake their heads. One of them says, "That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as an enlarged text!"
Another justice says, "What about the woman who can make herself appear to be anywhere she wants?"
The other justices say, "That's impossible! No one could do that."The Supreme Court cannot decide on the matter and escalates this matter to the Royal Court of Tatooine.
One month later you're in front of the Royal Court of Tatooine. Your lawyer hands over a file and says, "This is the evidence against Mr. Whittaker. His secret toe is real."
The court looks at the file and shakes its head. One of the justices says, "There's no such thing as a secret toe." Another says, "What about the woman who can shrink to the size of a mouse? That's not possible either!"
The Supreme Court cannot decide on the matter and escalates this matter to the Imperial Court of Naboo.
One week later you're in front of the Imperial Court of Naboo.You look at the "judge" for this case and your face goes white with fear. It is Lord Vader and he has a record of 100% conviction rate against defendents.
The court looks at the file and says, "We have reviewed your file and there is no evidence that Mr. Whittaker has a secret toe. Therefore, we find him innocent."
Lord Vader glares at you and says, "There is still the matter of the missing droids."
"Oh," you say. "Yes, well..."Lord Vader sues you and the matter is taken before Judge Dredd, the highest judge in the universe.
Judge Dredd says, "It seems clear to me that Mr. Whittaker is guilty of stealing several droids from the Death Star and using them to commit acts of terrorism. As such, he deserves to die."
The court finds you guilty and sentences you to death by firing squad.You have to prove your innocence and so you show the court your vestigial toe! It isn't a secret anymore, it's real and it's small, but it's there!!!!
The court is stunned. It takes five minutes to figure out what to do. Finally, the Chief Justice steps forward and says, "We cannot allow this man to die. We must send him to the Jedi Council for trial."
You're sent to the Jedi Council. After three days of questioning, the council decides that you didn't steal the droids or use them to commit terrorism.Yoda senses great power in your small toe and makes your foot a jedi.
He gives you the name Luke Skywalker and says, "May the force be with you, young Skywalker."
You're walking home from school when you see Darth Vader coming towards you. You hide behind a tree because you know he's looking for you. He asks you where you've been and you lie.
"I was at the library studying for my finals," you say.Vader doesn't believe you and picks a fight with you. You dodge his lightsaber and run away.
When you get home you call your mom and say, "MOM!!! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A TROLL AND I NEED YOUR HELP!"She's very upset and rushes to your rescue.
She calls the police and they arrive promptly. They ask where Darth Vader is and you point him out. You watch as your mom spanks Darth Vader.
Then she says, "Now go to your room until you can behave yourself."
You walk into your bedroom and sit down on your bed. Then you hear your mom scream, "Oh no!!!"
You run out of your room and see Darth Vader choking your mom. Then he throws her across the room and says, "And I'll kill anyone else who tries to help you!"You level up and gain the following jedi powers:
You can change the color of your skin to match any color you want.
You can make your hair grow twice as fast as normal.
You can make your clothes fall off your body.
You can shoot lightning bolts out of your fingertips.
You can shoot laser beams out of your eyes.
You can speak to animals.
You can breathe underwater.
You can fly. You subdue Vader with your lightning bolts and laser beams which are highly effective against his life support suit.
You take off his helmet and find that he's really just a little kid. He's four years old and his name is Luke.
You say, "Luke! What are you doing here?"
Luke says, "I'm here to save you."
You say, "No you're not. This is all a dream."
Luke says, "No, it's real. You realize you have just severely injured a 4 year old. You should feel bad."
You say, "Fine. Whatever."
You wake up and realize that you were dreaming.
You're walking through the forest when you spot a group of stormtroopers. You recognize one of them as your cousin Artoo-Detoo. You shout, "Artoo-Detoo!!! How did you get here?"