EP 486 – Story #3 – You are a self-aware teabag, in the bottom of a British man’s cup.

Posted under Episode 486, Story On By Chief

You are a self-aware teabag, in the bottom of a British man's cup. Escape the milk!
"Aah," you moan as you land on your back in the grass. You don't even bother getting up; instead, you just lie there and gaze at the stars.

Before long, you are picked up in the mouth of a raccoon, the glint off his golden tusk blinds you for a moment.

 You squirm until he sets you down gently. "Thank you."
You stand up slowly and brush yourself off before continuing onward, following the path to where it leads around another sinkhole. You follow it deeper into the woods than you have ever been before...

Goldentusk leads you deep into the wood to his fortress of garbagitude.

 The only way out is through the main door, but first you must face an obstacle course designed by a sadistic genius. If you can cross it without tripping over or falling into anything dangerous, you win.

You watch in awe as goldentusk effortlessly completes the obstacle course, demonstrating that it can be done.

 As if you expected otherwise from him. You do not expect to be able to accomplish the same feat so easily. With some hesitation, you take off running toward the wall, leaping over everything you can see on the way.

Goldentusk watches in awe as you leap over the entire obstacle course. No one has ever done that before, let alone a tea bag! Goldentusk gives you the nickname

 'The Human Spider.' He decides he likes this name more than the one he gave you earlier. It makes you feel proud and honored.
You pass by the main entrance unchallenged. A massive oak doors stands before you, seemingly made from solid stone.

You command the door to get out of your way.

 You push past it with ease and enter Goldentusk's lair.
Inside, you find yourself in a spacious hall illuminated by a hundred torches. At the far end, you spy a throne room, where a single figure sits upon it.

You look up and see that sitting on the throne is none other than

 King Arthur himself, surrounded by guards. He looks much older than when you last saw him, his hair graying and eyes weary.
"So you've returned," says King Arthur. "Did you manage to free the princess?"

Goldentusk gives you a knowing glance and says to Arthur "I have brought your princess to you!" Goldentusk whispers under his breath "The king is nearly blind, just roll with it."

Arthur looks confused. "Who did you bring me? Why won't she talk to me?"
"This is Princess Fiona," says Goldentusk proudly. "She has no tongue because I bit it off."

Arthur confusion turns to anger as he punishes Goldentusk.

 "Let me kill you right now."
At this, Goldentusk laughs "I am immortal! How could you possibly hope to harm me?"
"Don't you understand that I'm the true ruler of Camelot and all its lands, including these tea bags?

Goldentusk realizes the jig is up and haphazardly starts a coup! You watch as Goldentusk pulls a secret knife and stabs King Arthur.

 King Arthur gasps, blood spilling out of his chest. The guards move to stop Goldentusk, but they are too late. They cut their own throats with swords and knives, which seem to disappear from sight moments later.

You watch awkwardly, stepping around the pools of blood as you approach Goldentusk and ask him "Need a number 2?"

Goldentusk doesn't answer you directly but instead turns to you and asks "Have you found the sword yet?"
"Yes," you say and pull out the Sword of Light from your inventory.

You wield the Sword of Light and Goldentusk bows to you and announces, "People of Camelot, meet your new king! King The Human Spider!"

The citizens cheer. Some kneel to you and others praise you.  Goldentusk walks away quietly, saying, "He never was my type anyway."
You realize you need to act quickly.

You spin Goldentusk around and lean in for a kiss.

With a startled squeak, Goldentusk flees the throne room. You chase after him, catching up to him at the gate of the castle.
"Please stay with me forever," you whisper.

Goldentusk shakes his head and says, "The life of warrior is a lonely road that I must go alone."

 And then he kisses you and fades into mist.
You turn around to see everyone else looking at you like they expect something more.
As Goldentusk vanishes, you hear Arthur's voice call out behind you, "My love will always be here waiting for you.