EP 486 – Story #1 – You are Bub Huxley, a space trucker carrying 100 tonnes of disco dildos.

Posted under Episode 486, Story On By Chief

You are Bub Huxley, a space trucker carrying 100 tonnes of disco dildos. As you sail through the void of space, a small comet bounces off your carriage, activating all of the dildos.
 You have just enough time to grab them and stuff them down your pants before they explode in an explosion so large it shatters every single one of your windows. You crash-land on Earth with the force of a thousand nuclear explosions;
 everything around you is reduced to rubble as you fall from the sky like a meteorite, landing squarely on top of a passing cow.
You stand up gingerly, rubbing at your sore balls.

> You groan as you readjust your pants, and look out at the small crowd of survivors as they stair at you.

The villagers approach cautiously, many looking frightened and confused by their situation. "Hello," says one man timidly. "We heard there was an asteroid headed toward us but we thought it would miss!


> You introduce yourself and tell the villager it was not an asteroid, but your ship.

"I'm sorry if we startled you," he replies. "My name's Tom." He extends his hand for you to shake. "Thank you! Your spaceship saved our lives."
You shake hands with the village folk, who seem more grateful than scared.

> You watch as the villager go to town with your delivery. You see that it is there only form of entertainment, but that doesn't stop them from having the time of their lives.

It is truly wonderful how a good pair of trousers can make people forget about their problems.
However, the moment does come when you realize: no matter what you do, whether you're selling dildos or saving entire civilizations, it's never going to be enough.

> You reveal your troubled past to the crowd.

In life, you were a famous astronomer. One night, while observing the stars from the roof of your observatory, you stumbled upon something quite extraordinary – a black hole. For years, you worked tirelessly on your findings;

But you realize the only way to stop a black hole would be a landfill of Cory from AIPD's clothes.

 The next morning, you took an ax to your telescope and watched as the thing consumed the entirety of civilization...
The villagers gather closer, whispering amongst themselves.
They had always known about the tragedy, but hearing it directly from someone who lived through it gives it much more weight.

This tragedy inspires you to go on a suicide mission to close the black hole. You load all of Cory's clothes into a new ship and head straight for the black hole.

 Unfortunately, once you get within range, you find out the gravity is too strong. You're stuck here forever, watching helplessly as the universe continues its destruction.
As the light fades over the horizon, you look back towards Earth with a heavy heart.

In a fleeting moment you glimpse the timeline of the universe. You peer into a moment of salvation, you must

 save the universe. If not for humanity, then for everyone else. And if not for others, then for you. But in this moment, there is nothing left for you. No greater purpose, no deeper meaning.

You place an order for 1 dildo: The Gargantutron, the only dildo big enough to collapse a black hole.

You pay with a gold coin and wait for it to arrive.
It has been three months since your last visit, which seems like an eternity considering the amount of things happening in the world.

Years pass, but finally your Gargantutron arrives and is immediately caught in the black hole's gravitational pull. You look in awe as the dildo penetrates the hole

 and consumes it whole. It falls to the ground and shatters into millions of tiny pieces, forming a crater ten kilometres wide. The rest of the planet is unharmed, though it will take many centuries before human beings return to it.

Generations pass and the gargantutron debris has given Earth a latex ring

 around its equator, making it easier to orbit. However, the rings act as a barrier to interstellar travel, preventing ships from reaching other planets.
As far as anyone knows, you are the first person ever to cross the event horizon of a black hole.