EP 485 – Story #2 – You are Mr. Tarkle, the poorest millionaire in the world

Posted under Episode 485, Story On By Chief

You are Mr. Tarkle, the poorest millionaire in the world. Your peers mock you relentlessly, even though they are only richer by small margins. You've come up with a plan to pull head: First, you will

 become famous; then, when everyone knows your name and fortune is at hand, you can use them as bargaining chips to acquire more wealth! As an added benefit, if no one ever finds out that it was all a joke, well...

You use your fame to hock bogus weight loss products.

 Then you go on talk shows and say that "I am Mr. Tarkle!" People eat this stuff up like candy. Soon enough, people around the globe begin saying "Mr. Tarkle" in everyday conversation.

You sell tickets to the world premiere of your latest product,

 a diet supplement called Weight Loss X-Ray Vision. This works because there's some magical ingredient inside that makes you lose weight just from looking at it. The first day, thousands line up outside the theater--it looks like you're about to make history.

You observe all the overweight people overeating your radiated weight loss supplement candy. You are happy to sell out of you entire supply in the first day! But then

 suddenly, something goes wrong! All the people who ate the stuff began gaining weight! And they kept getting fatter over time! Now millions are dying! How could this have happened?
As it turns out, this was all part of the plan.

You are working with Mike Lyndell to create a race of My Pillow People and you use this tragedy as an opportunity to unveil this plush creations to the world!

You tell him: "We need to find the source of the problem before another billion people die!"
You are Dr. Jekyll. You created the My Pillow People and used their magic to turn them into fat.

With a world covered in irradiated greasy fat people, you finally have the perfect demographic for your latest cleaning product, a cleanser that scrubs radiation, and you even drink it!

 It seems to work wonders! Soon enough, you decide to put together a new campaign.
You take one pill every morning and one at night, and voila! You look like the person you see in the mirror!

The people have had enough of you, your products, and your lies. They protest outside of your offices around the world and Tarkle stock plummits.

 A judge decides that since you sold fraudulent weight loss products, you should be locked up where you can do no more harm. But instead, the court orders that you be placed in a special high security prison called Newgate, which houses the most dangerous criminals in the country.

You enter Newgate to see all of your executives and best friends including Jonathan Van Ness.

Your trial begins.
You watch as the prosecution calls upon dozens of witnesses who testify against you. One witness testifies that she saw you eating a bag of potato chips in your office after you got out of prison.

You advertise these potato chips as you newest weight loss invention. Tarkle's Potarkle's Zero: the world's best diet potato chip.

A juror says that you seem guilty, but not beyond all doubt. Another juror tells the jury that there isn't really any evidence to convict you. Still, the jurors vote to find you guilty anyway.

That's until your contacts threaten the jurors families, the jurors, and

 anyone else you think might get in your way. They blackmail the juries into voting unanimously to acquit you.
It turns out that you did kill Mike Lyndell's dad, Dr.
 Henry Lyndell. He wanted to keep his inventions secret, so he killed Mike's mother. To cover it up, Dr. Lyndell claimed that Mike's father died in a car crash.