EP 483 – Story #1 – You are Mr. Recycle

Posted under Episode 483, Story On By Chief

You are Mr. Recycle, the owner of a low-quality restaurant. Instead of having cooks make fresh food, you sell food that came out of the trash. However, you charge high prices and try to trick the customers into thinking that your place serves quality food. You manage to fool some gullible people, but the picky eaters aren't so easily tricked.

"I'm sorry, sir," says one customer, "but I don't see any difference between this and the garbage."
"Well, there is no way for me to prove it's not garbage!"

> You hire an actor to certify the food is not garbage.

The actor gives a convincing performance, but the customers still complain.
"This is all just old vegetables and meat scraps! It tastes like garbage!"
"How can you tell?"
"Because it smells like garbage!"

> You accept a bribe to Jason to promote your restaurant on AIPD.

Jason agrees to help you with your promotion. He'll give you free advertising in exchange for half of his cut of the profits from the restaurant.
"Thanks, man. This will really help my business!"

> You start marketing your restaurant as high-end garbage.

Your ads claim that your restaurant is serving the best food ever made by mankind. They say that the food is better than anything served at fancy restaurants or even cooked in five star hotels. The ad copy claims that you serve only the finest ingredients and that the chefs have worked their entire lives to create these
 delicacies.
People who read the ad begin flocking to your restaurant. Many of them order dishes they've never eaten before.
One day, however, you notice something strange about the kitchen staff: they're wearing white gloves.

> You yell at your staff, ""Those gloves should be on the plate!"

"What? Why do we need those?" asks one of the chefs.
"So that our diners won't know what kind of slop they're eating!"
"But nobody knows what we cook here except us!

Your restaurant gets busted by the state department of health

. The inspectors find that most of your dishes contain nothing more than rotten vegetables and spoiled meat scraps. The plates are covered with a layer of mold, and the smell permeates the air.
"It looks like you guys have been cooking garbage for years," says one inspector.

You are forced to close your restaurant

 down.
"That's right!" says another inspector. "We found tons of rotting food in your dumpster. We think you were selling it illegally."
"If you want to keep your license, you'd better get rid of all this garbage."

You take this as a challenge and have an all you can eat Saturday special. Hundred flock in for the great savings.

 You put out a sign saying "All you can eat for $5." The line forms outside your door. Inside, you stuff your guests full of rotten food. They leave happy, satisfied, and full.

You go home later that evening to see a breaking news story: everyone that went to your restaurant is suffering from

 food poisoning. Some people have died already.
"Oh well," you say to yourself, "at least I got to test out my new recipe."
***
You are now back in the bar where you first met Jason.

You start doing food pop-ups around town, serving garbage.

 Your food is cheap and easy to make, so it sells very well. One day, you decide to expand your business.
"Hey, Jason! How would you like to open up a restaurant together?"

You accept and decide to name the restaurant

 after him.
"Great idea! Now let's talk about the menu!"
You plan to serve garbage again, but you also add some expensive items to your menu.
"I was thinking of adding some steaks and lobsters to the menu."

One day, Gordon Ramsay visits your restaurant.

 He walks through the dining room, looking at everything.
"This is terrible!" he says when he sees the garbage on the plates.
He storms out of the restaurant and tells everybody that your food is disgusting.

Gordon's review makes headlines and your restaurant suffers from his scathing remarks.

 Customers stop coming in, and many of them demand refunds.
"I'm sorry, sir. But Gordon Ramsay said this food isn't good enough for his show."
"Well, how does he know?

You challenge Gordon Ramsey to a cook off! He accepts and you present your dish to the judges:

 a bowl of oatmeal topped with dirt. A judge eats a spoonful of the oatmeal and declares it delicious. Another judge tries the oatmeal and throws up. The third judge takes a bite of the oatmeal and declares it inedible.

Gordon presents his dish:

 a bowl of rice topped with worms.
"Now, which dish do you prefer?"
"Neither! Both of them taste horrible!"
"Then why did you eat mine?"
"Because I wanted to win the contest!"

The winner is declared:

 Gordon Ramsay.
"Thank you for choosing my restaurant over yours!"
"No problem. I didn't choose your restaurant. My viewers chose it for me."
"What?! No fair!"