EP 478 – Story #2 – You are Carl McCool.

Posted under Episode 478, Story On By Chief

You are Carl McCool. Just for fun, you type "sudo apt-get *" into your Linux console.
 It gives a list of about three hundred commands that begin with "apt-" and another twenty or so beginning with "dpkg". You pick one at random:
"apt-get moo", which returns the expected string of nonsense text, followed by an error message.

You hear something fall out the back of your computer and you see it is a dildo made of elephant skin, which gives you an electric shock every time you look at it.

You have just finished a long walk along the beach and are now ready to go home. You turn on your cellphone and discover that it has no reception; you decide not to worry about it for now.

You keep thinking about the dildo. Why does it exist? Who would create such a command? You research the origins of the "moo" package.

Your computer has become extremely slow; even the simplest task takes five minutes to complete! Your search engine won't work and neither will any of your other tools. The only thing you can do is type in more commands, but they all seem to have problems as well!

You suspect your computer has a virus and you install Norton Antivirus 2005.

The program asks if you want to scan your system now or later. You choose later. It scans your hard drive and then reports that it found three viruses. It removes them but warns you that your computer is still infected and advises you to purchase the full version of Norton AntiVirus 2005

.
You begrudgingly agree and purchase the full version which removes 2 of the viruses. But the last virus will not go away and instead it prints the following message to your screen:

"This is a virus, and it must die."
It seems to know its fate, but you are not sure what it means. You try to delete it from your hard drive, but the virus overwrites itself each time you delete it.

You try to communicate with the virus.

"I am a virus," it says, "and I'm here to kill you."
You try to ignore the virus.
"I will destroy your files!"
You ask the virus what it wants.

The virus looks suspicious, but tells you that it wants

 to play a game of chess. You think for a moment.
"Okay," you say, "let's play chess."
You tell the virus that you'll meet it at the beach after you're done.

You recall your years of computer training and to never agree to a game of chess with a virus. Yet, you agreed immediately out of curiosity. You take your Grandma's chess board and head for the beach to wait for the virus to show up.

You find a secluded spot on the beach. You set up your chess board and the two players sit down opposite each other.
"Let us begin," says the virus.
"No," you say.
 "We don't have to play unless you want to."
"I am a virus," says the virus. "I will destroy your files. You must play."
You are very confused.

You begin playing. The virus is very skilled at Chess, but you are holding up.

 You feel like you are fighting against yourself.
You win the first game and then lose the second one.
You decide to stop playing.
"That's it?" asks the virus, looking surprised.

You hear a voice yell, "Hey assholes, this is a nude beach!"

You look up to see a group of men running towards you. They are all carrying cameras and they are screaming at the top of their lungs. You quickly hide behind your chess board.
"There he is!"

A seedy porn production company swarms you.

 You try to run away, but you trip and fall face first onto the beach.
"Get up!" the director shouts.
"No way!"
"You are not leaving until you are dressed!"

You realize the Virus has deleted your clothes.

 You start to get angry at the virus.
"Look," you say, "I don't want to play anymore. Let me go."
"We have to finish the game," says the virus.

The production company films you nakedly playing chess against the virus. They tell you the name for this porno is

 "Chess With A Virus".
You have a lot of work to do. You must write some code for a new application. The old code is completely unusable.
You have no idea how to start.

You wonder what will happen if you install moo again. You do and then

 reboot your machine.
"This is a virus, and it must die."
You remove the virus from your machine and put it back in the box.
You have no idea how to start.

You return your virus filled computer to Best Buy.

You tell the salesman that there was a problem with your laptop and that you need to exchange it for a new one. The salesman is a young man, probably only a few years older than you.

The salesman refuses.

"I'm sorry," he says, "but I can't give you a new computer because you already paid for it."
You remember the receipt and you pull it out of your pocket.

While you are arguing with the sales rep, the virus spreads to every computer in the store.

The virus makes your computer very slow. The hard drive fills up with junk and it becomes very difficult to use.
You call the virus a "piece of shit" and you promise to beat it.

You then remember your computer teacher telling you the only way to defeat a virus is to

 overwrite it with something better.
You look around your office and see an old floppy disk in the corner.
You open it up and find a file called "hello.c" on it.

You run hello.c and the virus is replaced with a talking paperclip.

"Hello," says the paperclip. "What's your name?"
"Carl," you answer.
"Hi Carl. My name is Bob."
"Hey Bob."
You talk with the paperclip for a while.