EP 477 – Story #2 – You are Pope Franco XIII.

You are Pope Franco XIII. You are eating soup and watching the Super Bowl when the cable cuts out.

"What's wrong?" asks your wife, Loretta. "Is it another earthquake? Is there going to be a flood?"
"No," you say. "I think we're just being blacked out."

You and Loretta proceed to get drunk on alter wine.
 The game continues for several hours, but eventually the blackout extends past the Super Bowl, across the country, and around the world. A few years later, when your kids turn 18, they start having sex with each other.

You and Loretta sit the kids down and explain why they should not have sex with one another.
 They are not pleased by this news.
Your son says, "Dad! I'm an American!"
Your daughter says, "And I'm a lesbian."
They then proceed to make love right in front of you.

You ground the kids for all of Lent and threaten to excommunicate them.

The next morning you go outside and find that everyone has gone insane. People are rioting and looting, and there is nothing you can do to stop them.
You spend the rest of the year locked inside your house.

An Angel appears before you and says "Oh my god your kids are fucked up"

"Yeah, thanks," you say, "I already know that."
***
You look up from your book and notice that you're in the middle of nowhere. There are no people, or animals, or buildings.

God appears as a burning bush and yells at you for letting your children be so deviant.
 He sends a bolt of lightning your way and vaporizes you.
You wake up back in your apartment. It's still dark.
It's 4:00 AM. You go downstairs to your fridge and see that there is nothing left to eat but two slices of pizza.

You realize that you can no longer eat pizza because you lack a physical form.
 You decide that it's time to end your life.
You walk over to your bedroom window and throw yourself out. You land in a pile of horse manure.
You pick yourself up and head towards town, but are stopped by a farmer.

You tell your story to the farmer and the farmer tells you a very fitting joke:

"How many angels does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"One, but she's really bad at it."
"Oh."
The farmer gives you some hay and a bucket to carry water.

You visit the local chapel to ask God for your body back.

God appears before you and says "You know, I never actually gave you a body. That was my mistake. Now you'll have to go through all this again."
***
You are a member of the clergy.

Through hard work and determination, you work your way back to being pope in your new body.

You give a speech to the world about how much better things will be now that you've returned.
The people listen politely, then continue doing whatever they were doing before.
You return to the Vatican to see if your family is there.

A little girl appears in your room. She looks like you, and says that she is you.
She says that she is dead. You tell her that she cannot be you because you are here, in the present day.

You make the girl promise to never have sex with her brother.

The next morning, the girl appears in your bed again. You tell her that you will teach her the meaning of life.
You try to teach the girl, but she keeps asking you questions.

You continue to mentor the little girl and she convinces you to challenge God to a wrestling match.

After you fight God, you are reborn in the body of Jesus Christ.
You tell the people that the old ways are over. You lead them in a war against Satan, which is the reason for the current global conflict.

The WWF Bushwhackers team up with you to fight God as Satan referees.

God is defeated and his followers are converted to atheism. You are hailed as a hero for defeating God, but your friends point out that he wasn't even trying to win.
You and your friends travel to the North Pole and discover that the Earth is flat.