EP 475 – Story #1 – You are Chris P. Bacon, A pig who advocates for Carnivorism

Posted under Episode 475, Story On By Chief

You are Chris P. Bacon, A pig who advocates for Carnivorism. You need a team of bodyguards to protect you from Vegan activists who would Kidnap and "Rescue" you. You are on a quiet stretch of route 66 when your bodyguard is taking a leak and


 you are ambushed by three Vega Activists.
Your Bodyguard is in the men's room with his back turned.
The Activists approach, armed with knives. One grabs your hair while another pulls out a knife and stabs it into your left leg.

> You luckily you are so fat that it doesn't hit anything vital and actually traps the knife allowing you to bite back with a vengeance!

You're lucky because their aim was off. The blade barely pierces through your skin and lodges itself in your hamstring. You're also lucky they didn't cut through all the way through your leg.

> You give em the Porky power punch. "fu fu fu fuck you!"

You grab the Activists by their throats and throw them into one of the trees lining the side of the road. They fall to the ground with a thud. Your bodyguard runs over to you, still holding his crotch.

> You pull back the activists face from the tree and see that you have reveled AIPD's safe which contains a million dollars.

You pull the activists' faces away from the tree and look at what's inside: It's an AIPD safe. Inside it are stacks of hundred-dollar bills.
You take out the money and stuff it into your bag.

Under the money you find:

1x AIPD Keycard (Card ID# 10001)
2x TSA Passports (Passport # 1, # 2)
5x Credit Cards (Credit Card # 1, # 2, # 3, # 4, # 5)
3x Driver's Licenses

You contact AIPD and tell them you have found their safe.  You tell them you will return it's contents if they pledge to aid you in the Carivorism cause.  They agree.

You give your bodyguard the keycard and ask him to get you some clothes. He goes into town and buys you some pants, shirt, shoes, belt, socks, watch, and a jacket.

Midway through your Moons Over Mihami breakfast, you contract Transmissible Spongiform Encephalopathies.
 You become infected with Mad Cow Disease and die shortly thereafter.
You wake up to see your corpse on the bed.
You feel a sharp pain in your left arm.
You can see your bloodstained right arm.

You believe you've immediately realize you've been framed.
 You call 911.
The operator answers, "Hello?"
You hear a gunshot outside.
You rush outside, but before you can get outside, you're shot and die.
You die.

People rally around your death in the name of carnivorism. You are served the funeral luau style. This spreads your disease to the funeral goers. Spawning a urge in the scientific community to cure the disease.

You die.
You are resurrected in the afterlife.
You don't know where you are. You look around. There's nothing but white space.
There's a door in front of you.

Beyond the door is a Hawaiian paradise. Luau's as far as the eye can see.

A man walks up to you. "You must be Chris P. Bacon."
He extends his hand and shakes yours. "I am Dr. Kahuna, a scientist from the future.